8/2 Instance: Distilled Essence of Crack

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8/2 Instance: Distilled Essence of Crack

Post by Ferguson » Sun Aug 01, 2010 11:06 pm

Timeline after 'Shapeshifter' and 'Cheet Sheet'

Jason: The garden gnomes were organizing. Jason was sure they were going to wage war with the flock of pink flamingos that had taken up residence along the driveway at any minute. He was fairly sure that as far as evening entertainment, this was just wrong. He lit is cigar and took a seat on the railing, watching as the gnomes moved into formation. The flamingos didn't stand a chance.

Cessily: Cessily idly swatted at the syringe-bugs buzzing around her, quite glad for the fact that they hadn't teamed up with the needles yet. Even though she was supposed to rest after her involuntary transformation, such things were easier said than done when the furniture simply wouldn't stop bothering her.

Cessily: Having sat up in her bed, she gathered what little strength she possessed in order to try and stand up, patiently waiting until the endoscope had slithered past her feet. Her body swayed when she jumped out of bed a bit too fast, but she managed to stay upright and prevent another fall. Carefully, Cess stepped towards the closet in her room.

Darren: From within the depths of the school came a low yell, getting steadily louder as it approached the patio doors, then a clumsy blur in what appeared to be a hospital gown zoomed past Jason with a doppler-effected "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!" and headed for the woods.

Jason: "GAAHhha!" Jason lost his balance on the railing, falling over the side and earning the attention of the gnomes. Oh no. "Go for the flamingos! The flamingos!"

Darren: From within the cola-covered recroom came the sound of something padding across the floor at a high speed, and then a metallic growl as whatever it was spotted Jason.

Cessily: Cessily opened the closet that supposedly contained a few sets of spare clothing - and most importantly, shoes - until to get instantly attacked by one of her shirts. "Wha..." She gasped as the cloth wrapped around her neck, quickly followed by more pieces of clothing trapping her arms and legs. "Oh no no no..." She tried pulling free, but the closet won and sucked her in.

Jason: The gnomes were coming. Then...Jason heard the growl and looked over his shoulder. "Wha'n da fouk is dat?" It reared up on it's legs. That was Jason's cue to start running.

Darren: Darren reached the woods and stagged against the the nearest tree, panting, the air felt like razor-blades going down his throat, "All I want is a ... a fucking pair of pants!" he pratically wailed.

Cessily: Much to Cessily's relief, the closet expelled her again only moments later. Much to her frustration, however, it wasn't inside the medlab anymore. It wasn't even the closet that spat her out, but a large, displeased looking tree. Cess just had enough time for a frightened squeak before she was dropped to the forest floor.

Jason: An alliance had formed behind Jason. Even the flamingos were on it! He, like the streak of doppler before him, made it to the woods and promptly climbed for his life.

Darren: Darren looked up at the squeak and yelped as his arms were suddenly full of girl, he blinked at her, having to get his face close to her before he could make her out, "... Cessily?" Something blurred past him and did a pretty good job of running up the tree, and a snapping, zipping noise, coming closer made his nearly drop the girl, "Oh shit!"

Cessily: Cessily tried to convert her instinctive flailing to a much more productive clinging, looking up at the face above her. "Darren," she exclaimed, blowing a few strands of obnoxious red hair out of her face.

Jason: Jason chanced a look down to see whether or not the gnomes would try to ride the flamingo to get at him. So far he was in luck. He heard voices though. "Who else is out here?"

Darren: Ah .. so that had been Jason who had run past, "Darren and Cess, Jason! Are the pants still chasing me!? I can't see!" He said, looking around ... could he even remember how to tree-climb?"

Cessily: "My closet ate me," Cessily protested, looking around to try and find the origin of Jason's voice. "And the tree spat me out again." She wiggled in Darren's arms, trying to get her feet to the ground. "Everything here is trying to devour us, or worse!"

Jason: Jason caught sight of Darren and whistled. "Muggle women wear 'em, Archie, not da men, de wear, holy!" There wasa an eye where Jason's hand was which made him scurry down lower. "Oh God, Ai'm feelin' up an Ent!"

Darren: "Pants I know!" Darren yelled back, "I tried to get some but the zipper grew teeth and they started to chase me!" He put Cessily down and peered around the tree .... and a zipper-mouth nearly closed over the his nose as he did so, "Argh! Save me Treebeard!" Darren let out a very unmanly scream and despite still not being used to his new body manage to zoom up Jason's tree at a respectable speed.

Cessily: "Where are you guys going," Cessily demanded to know, staring up the tree. "Didn't I just say that there are mouths up there?" She reconsidered her position when something tickled her legs. Upon looking down, she witnessed a number of leaves and pinecones - complete with legs and tiny teeth - crawling over her skin. "Eeeee, wait for me!"

Jason: "Oh Goad, ya're gonna get splinters like ya woul'nt believe." Jason warned as he saw he was sharing his tree. "come on nao, niiiice tree, dake us somewhere 'way from da pants."

Darren: "Pants with teeth in the zipper! I'd rather take the splinters," Darren said, wrapping his arms and legs and hanging sloth style from a branch, the back of the hospital gown giving up completly and falling open.

Cessily: Cessily basically leaped against the tree - promptly sliding down again to land gracelessly on her behind. She looked baffled, trying to comprehend the fact that she couldn't make herself cling to surfaces anymore. The creepy leaves were all over her again, crawling up her legs and arms. Tiny teeth nibbling her skin were enough to pull her out of her confused state.

Jason: "I think we need a plan..." Jason couldn't help but realie everything was distracted by Cessily at the moment so maybe that should be used. "Maybe we can trick the pants onto something."

Darren: "Plan? What kind of plan, it's not like a fawn is gonna come out of fucking Narnia and the pants are gonna do for it instead or something!" Darren said, nearly sliding off his branch as it moved, "Hey, hey! Hold up! Stay still man!"

Cessily: Cessily started flailing, trying to brush off all the tiny creatures crawling on her. She shook her hand wildly, a single leaf holding on to her fingertip with its teeth. "No no no no no," Cess panted, scrambling to her feet as the rabid pants circled around the tree. "Guys! Get the pants off me!" This time, she had a little more success with her climbing attempt.

Jason: "Ai don't tink Kevin wo-Holy crap 'e did put in a fawn." Jason blinked as wooly Mr. Tumnus came skipping along.

Darren: Darren blinked at the skipping shape, "... You're kidding?"

Cessily: The pants snapped at her behind while Cessily struggled to get up the tree, but only managed to catch her hospital gown between its zipper-teeth. "Getoff!" Cess kicked at the vicious piece of clothing, managing to tear herself free. "Thanks for the help, guys," she said, thoroughly out of breath when she made it up the tree.

Jason: "Ai'm nau't kiddin' in da least." Jason watched as the pants met up with the fawn. "Ai need a drink."

Darren: "I can't see more then six inches in front of my face, what did you expect me to do?" Darren snapped back, this was not turning out to be a good day, "What's happening now?"

Cessily: "And I need a break," Cessily commented, still panting. "I had forgotten what it feels to be out of breath." She winced, crawling closer to the other two. "Owww, everything feels as if it's on fire."

Jason: "Ai believe we're still treed by gnomes." Jason looked down. "Dis is ridiculous."

Darren: "Oh, oooooh this has gone so far beyond ridiculous!" Darren wailed, "Everything hurts, how do you fleshy-things put up with it!" He yelped as the tree branch he was clinging too shuddered and started to rock ... and he realised they were moving, "Where are we going now!?"

Cessily: Cessily looked around, visibly restless. "Well, we have the choice of either going up, down, or try to climb over to a different tree," she said, giving the other two an awkward smile. "Each option comes with a decent chance of breaking some of our bloody bones, or falling down to get eaten by rabid midgets."

Jason: "Ai vote we stay righ da hell here 'til he stops mouving. All in favor do nothing 'ecause Ai sure as hell amn't lettin' go ta raise a haind." Jason was white-knuckling Treebeard as much as he could manage. "An' fer da record, welcome back to da world of da 'fleshy-tings'. Doan't it suck?"

Darren: "It sucks big hairy donkey balls!" Darren agreed, tighening his grip on the branch and ignoring the splinters, "As for me, I'm staying riiiiight here!"

Cessily: "I've no idea how I could ever have wished to turn back to normal again," Cessily commented, grimacing as she cautiously crawled over one of the branches to get closer to the more stable looking central mass. "I had no idea how mush flesh and blood actually sucks." Her fingers hurt as she held on tightly.

Jason: "It sucks aiss." Jason nodded, clinging away and looking down. "...was dat a fouking lion?"

Darren: "Could have been pacman for all I can see, maybe Victor just picked a bad time to visit," Darren grumbled, shifting his grip, "I can't remember, is hanging upside down meant to hurt your arms this much?"

Cessily: "I really don't know," Cessily replied, literally trying to hug a tree as her nails dug into the bark and the rough wood scratched her face. "All I do seems to hurt. I wonder how I ever made it to puberty if that's really how things are supposed to be." She blinked, staring back at the three eyed monkey-thing that dangled overhead. "I want back to bed."

Jason: "Outta all dis, noone's gonna believe I wann't da bigger pansy." Jason chanced a look down as they were starting to slow down. "Ya, dat's a lion all right." He let them know.

Darren: "Hey! Who're you callin' a pan-argh!" Something hit him on the face and he saw stars and nearly fell out of the tree. Blinking he realised that he could now see again ... and a couple of pairs of glasses with eyes ad feet like in Alice in Wonderland were blinking at him.

Darren: He squinted and realised that one of the pairs must have jumped onto his face "Uhh ... thanks?" he said, before looking down, "Holy fuck! It is a lion!" he yelped, "and ... a centaur and ... what the fuck is that, woman wearing tree bark with green hair?"

Cessily: "This must be what lucid dreaming has to feel like," Cessily remarked, leaning forward very carefully to peek down to the ground below. "Just much worse, because I'd really like to wake up now."

Jason: "And wid lucid dreaming ya have some control." Jason bemoaned. The next second though, he let out a yelp as hand-like branches attempted to pick him off. "Ai doan't wanna be fed to a lion!" He scrambled for purchase but it was no use.

Darren: "I don't dream, are they always this fucking freaky?" Darren asked, and then yelped as some ivy wrapped around his ankle and started to pull him off his branch, "Argh! Nooooo! Pur me down!"
Darren yelped as he was yanked off and dangled upside down, new glasses hanging from one ear and his gown falling over hs head.

Cessily: "Darren," Cessily called out, reaching for the boy's hand. This reminded her again how different things were when you actually had to deal with something as a sense of balance, her body tipping over on the branch. "I got you!" Which didn't accomplish mush, seeing how Cess now dangled from Darren's arm.

Jason: "Darren, Ai appreciate ya offerin yar 'fleshy bits' to da lion but Ai just doan't tink it's a good idea." Jason came to the ground with an oof as the animals, there were slowly a growing number of animals, circled round.

Darren: Darren yelped again as he suddenly had Cessily dangling from an arm, "Ow! Owowowowow! You're heavy!" He bitched as the already sore and pulled muscles in his arms protested.

Darren: What Jason said managed to cut through the panic and he flushed, grabbing the robe with his other hand and holding it up, "Hey! Shut the fuc-argh!" All of a sudden the vine let go and both him and Cessily dropped, landing heavily on Jason.

Cessily: "I'm not," Cessily protested. "At least, not heavier than before. I'm not even made of metal anymore." She squeaked when she found herself in free fall all of a sudden, quite grateful for not having been changed into a male body when she made hard contact with the branch below.

Jason: Oh...oh God, ass from above! Jason did the only sensible thing he could at not being able to get out of the way in time, curling up in the fetal position. "...Darren...is dat the part of yar anatomy Ai tink it is?"

Darren: Darren's just sat stunned on Jason for a couple of second, blinking, before letting out a soft bubbling noise and sliding off his back, "Y-yeah ... yeah it was," he squeaked, eyes starting to tear up a little, "... at least I didn't land on my face that time ..."

Cessily: Cessily was harshly reminded that such a fall hurt - a lot - regardless of the kind of squishy bits one happened to carry between ones legs. "This sucks," she groaned, her face twisted in a grimace. "I wish I had landed on my face."

Jason: "Not ta dismiss deir quality or anyting but Ai doan't tink wee're gonna be mentioning dat ta anybody, righ' Darren? Just gonna predend it never appened." Jason rubbed his face as he sat up, pulling a very displeased expression.

Darren: "F-fine by me ... buddy," Darren whimpered, managing to uncurl long enough to look around at all the animals watching them solomly, "... Th-the fuck is this now? Noah's Ark?"

Cessily: "In that case, I really hope they're not missing any specimens, with us supposed to fill any gaps," Cessily commented, slowly pulling herself back to the other two.

Jason: "...'specially since it's only twuo of each kind." Jason eyed Darren carefully now, as if sizing up his competition. Then he looked to a lamb that was creepily close. It said hello. Jason screamed quite high-pitched and attempted to scurry away tangled up by Darren and Cessily.

Darren: "Oh look, it's the shark's long lost fleecey cousin," Darren said, still wincing as he uncurled from his huddle, really wishing he'd been born a woman now. A female deer came up to him and nudged him with her head, "Fuck off," he grumbled, shoving it away.

Darren: The deer didn't seem to like this, and headbutted him, shoving it's head up under him and managing to toss him onto it's back before galloping off in the direction of a clearing that could be seen just through the trees, "Aaaargh! Where're you taking me now!?"

Cessily: "Those things are much less cute when viewed from up close," Cessily said, staring in sheer terror at a small bear cub that looked back at her with a dopey expression.

Jason: "Animals 're never cute." Jason was of the opinion that they were evil and out to get him, especially now. He gulped as a centaur approached, pulling him up and on his back. "Well...least it's a considerable step up from feelin' up Treebeard."

Darren: Darren was suddenly bucked off the deer's back and landed heavily on a ... chair? He blinked around him in the sudden bright light and fixed his glasses again, if this was gonna be a permanent thing he was definitely looking into contacts, "Eeerm ... the hell?" There was a cushion on the ground in front of him, upon which was placed a heavy looking crown.

Cessily: More and more of the tiny, frighteningly cute animals surrounded her, staring at Cessily with their happy and manic faces. "I think they want to eat me," she said, looking around in panic. "Or worse..." The small furry creatures giggled in unison, before running all around her to pick her up on tiny paws, carrying her over to Darren.

Jason: Jason was plumped into his chair, turning to give the others a wild-eye looked. "Ai tink...we are deir overlords." He said finally, eyeing the cushion. "As long as we doan't hafta fight to da death or anythin."

Darren: Darren just sat blinking as the deer very delicatly picked up the crown in it's mouth and put it on his head, it was slightly too big and slid down over his eyes, and he started to giggle in a slightly unhinged way.

Cessily: "Can we order them to leave us alone then," Cessily asked, looking from Darren and Jason to the assembled court of forest dwellers. "Please? Before they decide they'll have a feast in our honour and realize they only need one king of the woods."

Jason: "I tink it's only appropriate dey take us onna hunt for da white stag." Jason shrugged, automatically fixing his crown as it was put on. "Or we cain use dem to hold off da pants 'n gnomes and run back."

Darren: Darren managed to stave off the manic giggling and pushed the crown back up over his head, "I like the idea of a living decoy." He gave a lofty wave of his hand and all the animals after a moment turned and ran back into the woods, "Wow! Now that's what I call service ..." he trailed off as a shadow suddenly blotted out the sun and something sticky dripped on his shoulder, "... Eeew ..."

Cessily: "Darren, you have something on your..." Cessily gestured at the icky green stuff oozing down on his shoulder, only to get a similar sample dripping down on the top of her head. "Guys, I really don't want to look up now," she said, growing tense in her seat. "Please tell me it's nothing that wants to eat us... even if it's not true."

Jason: "It's a maaaagical budderfly dat wants ta hug us." Jason muttered, staring up at the giant...hairy...fanged...crapton of eyes spider. "I tink 'run away' sounds good."

Darren: Looking up into the jaw's of slobbery, arachnid death Darren was suddenly reminded that humans could die very, very easily, "Yes," he squeaked, "I think now's a good time to run away from the magical huggy butterfly ..." he said, veeeeeeery slowly getting to his feet, "Nice butterfly, gooood butterfly ..."

Cessily: Cessily couldn't resist and finally looked up, instantly wishing she hadn't. "I'm never ever going to enjoy the sight of a butterfly again," she muttered, swallowing awkwardly. "Barefoot or not, I'm all for running now."

Jason: "If either of ya pull da ankle twistin' fallin' Ai'll never forgive ya." Jason took off without another word, running after the animals and towards the masion.

Darren: "I think the adrenaline will counter that!" Darren answered, grabbing Cessily's hand and dragging her behind him as he ran ... he was getting better at it at least ... or maybe that was just the terror working for him.

Cessily: "I'm so going to die here," Cessily said, panting as she ran after Darren. "I'm the promiscuous college student in a horror movie. I'm practically doomed." She tried her best not to look back over her shoulder. "I know this would happen sooner or later."

Jason: "Doan't say dat! Ai'm da arrogant smartass who alienates da audience. Ai die too!" Jason found an energy reserve bubbling up to run faster at that, though.

Darren: "And i'm the guy with military training!" Darren yelled as he drew level with Jason, "Everyone knows that the trained professionals die first in the movies!"

Cessily: "Well, in that case, I guess it's back to who sprains his ankle first," Cessily called, catching her breath as she hid behind a tree for a moment, peering back to see where the humongous spider was.

Jason: "Ai hope ya've not been drinkin yar milk den." Jason did not want to be the person going down just yet. "Ai wanna at least make it to da second act."

[Edited on 1/8/2010 by puppygirl]

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8/2 Instance: Distilled Essence of Crack

Post by Esynthia » Mon Aug 02, 2010 9:27 pm

HAHAHAHAHA oh man I love this, guys. :D Great job.

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8/2 Instance: Distilled Essence of Crack

Post by bome » Mon Aug 02, 2010 11:11 pm

This is just brilliant! Great job all!

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8/2 Instance: Distilled Essence of Crack

Post by Slarti » Tue Aug 03, 2010 12:29 am

Boy, when you say crack, you ain't fuckin' around. ><

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