10/8 Instance: Saying Sorry Can Hurt Too

[fourpawsonthefloor]

Saying Sorry Can Hurt Too
Current Timeline

Tessa lay backwards on the wall of the patio, her hands behind her head and her earphones in. It was at least daylight and she'd cared to dress properly for the cold weather, slicking her hair back when the breeze teased it over her face.

The house bobbed back into view as he rounded the last bend, sweating a bit despite the cold. Dieu, if you'd told him he'd be fucking jogging willingly like some yuppie a couple of years ago, he'd have laughed. Now? It was actually kinda nice. Peaceful. And kept him in shape.

He pulled up into a brisk walk to cool down the rest of the way, and his steps lagged a bit as he spotted the occupant of the patio. "Uh. Hey." He looked at her bright pink cheeks. "Y' know dis isn't quite d' weather t' be sunbathin' in, oui?"

Tessa sighed when she dimly heard Remy's voice over the music. "If I was sunbathing, man, I'd be in a lot less clothing." She looked up at the cloudless sky with a weary look. God. Why now?

She sat up and swung her legs over the side of the wall, straddling the brick partition. "Why are you out in this weather?"

"Cause I'm runnin'." He jerked his head out back. "Dere's a bunch of trails through d' woods. Keeps y' in good shape, y' know? Thought when it's January, I ain't gonna be doin' dis no more. Dere's only so much cold runnin' can beat off of y'."

Tessa raised an eyebrow. "Which is why all of my crucial exercise is done indoors." She lifted the hem of her shirt a few inches, showing a flat, if slightly pale, stomach. "I don't think a heater makes it any easier."

"Oui, well, I do some in too." The awkwardness stretched a bit there, as the issue hung there between the two of them again. "Anyways, don' sit out here an' freeze y're ass all day, bien?"

"TJ's pissed about it." Tessa stretched out on her back again, facing out, yet away from him at the same time. "She says I should see the psychiatrist." Her voice sounded just a little more than morose when she said it.

"TJ?" He frowned in confusion. "If y're talkin' about y' leavin' y're staff out...I think dat was more cause y' weren't payin' attention, dan anythin' Dai'd say." He shrugged. "An' as for d' rest of it...well I don' really know what t' say about it."

Tessa turned her head slowly to look at him incredulously. "You cannot be that much of an idealist. If I hadn't been paying attention to it, how do you think it ended up halfway across the room?" She took a breath and held it for a minute, letting it back out and watching it puff up in the cold air.

"You don't make this easy."

"I don' make it easy?" He crossed his arms. "An' so y' did it on purpose? I didn't want t' accuse y' of dat petite. An' if y' did...well all I can really think of is what d' fuck?"

"I thought we were friendly, neh? Dere's other ways of sayin' 'I don' like y', fuck off' dan trippin' me up like dat."

Tessa clenched her teeth and purposefully told herself to relax when he called her little once more. "Will you stop calling me that?! Honestly, if I'd wanted to say 'I don't like you, fuck off' I would have said just that." She muttered a rather colorful obscenity in Greek before she crossed her arms.

He raised a brow, and stood there mute for a moment. He would have written it off as PMS, only she'd been doing it for way too long. Another thought crossed his mind. "Are y' pregnant? An' call y' what?"

"No, I'm not pregnant, you dolt." Tessa stared at Remy and gave him a 'what-the-fuck-was-that?' gesture with her hands spread open. She shook her head and wrapped her arms around her knees. "I meant stop calling me little."

"Ok...I can do dat." He sighed. "Dat was what was botherin' y'? Y' know...I didn't mean it as an insult. Wasn't makin' fun of y' or nothin'."

"An' sorry...its jus' TJ went kinda loopy when she was pregnant...an' y've been. Well. Touchy, neh?"

Tessa gave him a bland stare and ran her tongue over her lips. "Yes, it bothers me. Especially...let's just leave it there. I don't like it when men call me names like that." She shook her head slowly at the pregnant comment. Honestly.

"Why not?" He looked around and settled for sitting on the steps. "Some sorta woman's lib thing? It's meant t' be an affection...not t' piss y' off. Dere anythin' else dat's eatin' y' about me? Or I jus' stop callin' y' anythin' but Tessa, an' we're good?"

"I'm quite aware it's meant to be affectionate, Remy. My father called me little every day of my life until he died. That's why I don't like it." She leaned the side of her head onto her hand. "The holidays set me on edge, and I'm sorry for that. It's not something enjoyable for me either."

She sighed. "As a matter or course, it rather has sucked for a while now."

Things suddenly settled into place. "Oh." His brow smoothed out. "I'm sorry Tessa. I didn't mean t' stir up bad memories for y'."

With her head between her raised-up knees, Tessa muttered, "Christmas itself stirs up bad memories. You are just the very unfortunate bystander." She raised her face and set her chin down on her hands. "Rational thought and logic don't come very easily to me in winter. I'm sorry you had to be on the short end of it."

"I suppose that's why TJ said I needed a...a shrink."

"Well, maybe it wouldn't hurt a bit, oui? I was never for it till I spent some time wit' Dai...but now, well, she's good. Helps y' wit' stuff y' didn't even know was buggin' y'."

"An' if I can say dis - y're probably better off jus' comin' an' talkin' t' me if I'm buggin' y'. Bottlin' it up ain't workin' well, neh?"

"You've got a wonderful grip on the obvious." Tess opened her mouth to say more, but then shut it again, arguing with herself. "TJ said if you talked to Xavier he'd make me go see Dai. I don't want people going into my head without asking."

"I wasn't plannin' on goin' t' Xavier about dis. An' Dai's a shapeshifter, not a telepath. Though, trust me, I understand y' dere."

Tessa dug out a piece of bubble gum from her back pocket and popped it in her mouth. Oral fixations were a pain some days. The considered Remy for a minute and asked, "Do you block yourself off on purpose?"

He paused and then nodded. "Well it started off jus' bein' a way t' control...my stuff. An' den I found out it worked for blockin' people out too. Can't say I'm unhappy about dat. Y're brain should be a private thing, neh?"

"It took me a long time to learn it. I really didn't want a repeat of my--" Sure, go on, you've already told hi--Shut up. Just shut up. She cleared her throat. "My dad died that way. I got my, ah, powers from him. He was teaching me how to shut things out and it went wrong."

"He was a mutant too den?" He watched her carefully, knowing this must be hard for you. "Y' were wit' him when he died den? An' he died from blockin'?" That was scary and sad on a number of levels actually.

Tessa tossed her head, swinging her hair to the side of her neck. "I was the one that killed him." She swallowed once and continued. "He was trying to block me out, showing me what not to get into. He respected people's minds, even if they weren't mutants. I was a little stronger than me was."

Oh. Merde. "I'm so sorry Tessa." He levered himself up from where he was sat, and crossed over to her, laying a tentative hand on her shoulder. "Dat musta been horrible." He made a face. "I know. Captain obvious. But if y' haven't dealt wit' dat..."

She turned her head to look at his face. "If I haven't dealt with it, what?" She spread out her hands. "Time won't stop because any of us wants it to."

"I know, but deres livin' an' den dere's gettin' by. Y' can't change what happened, but y' may be able t' figure out a way t' get at peace wit' it a bit more an' be happier."

Tessa just laid her head down on her knees sideways, thinking. "I'm not sure I want to let it go. I don't have very much left of the family that still admits I exist."

"So y' gonna punish y'reself for somethin' dat hurt y' jus' as much as it did anyone? An' accident?" He brushed his fingers over her hair. "Why? Y'd never have wanted t' hurt him, neh? Things happen sometimes petite. Ain't a lick we can do about it neither."

"Think about it dis way. If I'd been learnin' t' drive wit' my pere teachin' me...an' we slipped on some ice an' crashed an' he died - would y' blame me?"

"No." Tessa wanted to curl up and just disappear. "You did it again."

"Merde." He sighed. "Sorry. It's a force of habit. Jus' wack me wit' a newspaper or somethin'."

"So why are y' punishin' y'reself so hard? Won't bring him back. Won't make people forgive y'. An' most importantly, its not helpin' y' at all. It ain't makin' y' feel better. An' its causin' more problems dan its fixin'."

Tessa moved her shoulder up and back down. "I don't know what else to do...I can only go on what I know. And what I know is telling me that there's nothing to do about it." She buried her face in her knees.

"Welllll...dat's kinda where Dai comes in, neh?" He rubbed her back comfortingly. "I know what its like lookin' at a problem, an' thinkin' dere's no way outta d' pit y're in. She shows y' d' ladder though."

"I already said I'd go see her." She paused and shifted around, climbing down from the wall. "I'm going to go inside and finish Cessily's gift. Thanks."

She debated giving him a hug, but decided against it. The last thing she needed was TJ trying to kill her.

"Ok. So we're good den? No more tryin' t' make me fall on my ass?" He said the words teasingly, but he still watched her carefully. He had no idea she'd been hurting this much.

She gave him a crooked sort of smile at the teasing tone. "No more trying to make you fall, then." She brushed her hair back with her fingers. "I'd like it if you could teach me how to flip like that. I'm a quick learner."

He nodded. "Sure. Y' look flexible enough. We can do dat."

"Thanks." Tessa gave Remy a little smile and a chaste kiss on the cheek. "Really. Thank you."

He gave her a small hug. "Its no problem. Glad y' talked t' me."

[Starfish]

That was lovely. Good thing they got this sorted out.