1/29 Instance: Frank Talk

[fourpawsonthefloor]

Timeline: After The Picnic-a-nic Basket

rachel: Rachel leaned back against the railing on the patio and let out a breath, slightly wishing it was colder or that Bobby was around. She chewed on her lip as she went over the phone conversation again. Bastard.

rachel: She slumped to the ground and looked down at her knuckles, resisting the urge to pick at where they'd split. Rogue would nag her if she did. That visit was not something she was looking forward too and didn't help with any of her other issues.

Josh: Josh was returning from one of his daily jogs around the grounds when he spotted Rachel leaning on the patio railing. Slightly out of breath, he trekked over to her and stood on the other side of the railing, bent over to catch his breath.

Josh: "Rae," he huffed, working on a smile. "Mind if I join you?"

rachel: Rachel looked over at him with a slight grin, "Do you even have to ask?"

Josh: "It's nice to be wanted." He hoisted himself up over the rail and perched on it, facing her. "Nice day," he said. Crap. Was he really talking about the weather?

rachel: She gave a small shrug and ran a hand through her hair, "Yeah, kinda. So...what's up?"

Josh: "Not much..." Dangit. He was sweaty and stinky after his run, and his hair was plastered to his forehead. He brushed it aside and looked down at her.

Josh: "Have you listened to that CD?"

rachel: "Yeah, I like it a lot," she smiled. "I'm sorry about Alex, too. He's just way overprotective. He means well...for me anyway. I just haven't quite convinced him that you're good for me."

Josh: Josh wasn't sure she would ever succeed in that area. Alex seemed like the type of guy who would just dislike anyone who was in a position to hurt one of his girls, even if they never (unlike Josh) did anything to show they would. He could respect that. Didn't mean he had to like it.

Josh: He shrugged. "Don't worry about it. He's a fun guy... Kinda weird, but I'm not really any judge in that department."

rachel: She raised an eyebrow, "Fun? Alex? Riiight."

rachel: Rachel chewed on her lip. Talk to him or face Rogue's wrath? Hmm... Talking seemed to win out there. She got enough of Rogue's wrath anyway. "Um...Have you had..well gotten anymore of my nightmares...?"

Josh: His stomach flip-flopped. "No, I haven't." But she probably had. In fact, he was sure of it. He didn't need telepathy to guess. "Have they been bothering you much?"

rachel: She shook her head, looking down at the ground, "Kind of hard for them to bother me if I don't sleep."

Josh: "Rae." He jumped off the railing and put an arm around her. "That's no good. Please tell me you've talked to Dr. McCoy or Annie about that..."

rachel: "No. I'm fine though. I just haven't wanted to give them to you..."

Josh: He frowned. "You haven't... you didn't even give it to me the first time. It was an accident." He looked her square in the face, feeling a rush of protectiveness. "I really wish you would take care of yourself, and just go see Dr. McCoy."

rachel: Rachel avoided looking at him as she felt her stomach clench. Ick, guilt. "Fine. I'll see him sometime..."

Josh: "I'll go with you." He clasped his hand over hers impulsively. "Okay? We can go together. I'm on the med team no too; I have connections." Not that McCoy would ever refuse to see Rachel. It was just too much fun to say.

rachel: "Okay," she muttered. So, so sick of doctors. "So..."

Josh: "What were you doing out here?" Josh realized he never cooled down after his run. "Want to go for a walk around the grounds?" he suggested.

rachel: "Thinking. Tired of being in my room," she shrugged, "Sure."

Josh: "Then you picked the right day to come out. Temperature's really mild..." And there he went, yammering about the weather again. He kept his hand in hers as they headed off the patio and he led her around the campus. If she felt uncomfortable holding his hand, he only hoped she'd pull away.

Josh: "Look..." Best to just get this over with. "I think we need to talk, but, it's pretty tough stuff so if you're not up for it, I can wait."

rachel: She sighed, "We do. And it'd be better. I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. ...I-I can't remember everything though." Rachel leaned against him. At least this conversation wouldn't be as bad as the one with her father.

Josh: "... Well." Great, he had to say something now. "I, uh... do you remember that we, like - we used to be together? Like as a thing - a couple?" he stammered.

rachel: "Oh no, of course not. That's why I remember you breaking up with me," she rolled her eyes. "My memories are bits and pieces from breaking up. I know we argued after that. Don't know what it was about. And, there was other stuff. Just don't know what exactly..."

Josh: He laughed weakly. "Yeah, okay, that makes sense." He wasn't sure whether or not it was a good thing, but he was going to roll with it. "After we broke up, I..."

Josh: Damn, this was hard. "Well, I made a lot of stupid decisions," he declared finally.

rachel: "Okay..." Rachel glanced at him as they walked, giving his hand a squeeze. "Such as?"

Josh: Josh chewed on his lip and turned his face to the sky. "... Well, first of all, at one point we were going to get back together, maybe. But I got this... stupid letter from my brother, and sort of took on my anger on you."

rachel: "Yeah." She frowned as she tried to remember. The memories were supposed to come back, right? "Anything else?"

Josh: All he got for a response was "yeah"? That wasn't encouraging. "I also, uh... We were still broken up," he forewarned her. "It's not like this happened while we were together..."
rachel: She raised an eyebrow and waited for him to go on.

Josh: He raked a hand through his hair. "I had a one night stand one night when I was feeling low... It was just the one night," he assured her. "Nothing else happened after, and we were broken up..." It sounded lame even to his own ears.

rachel: Rachel bit down on her lip, not quite sure what to say... "I remember that...kinda. I went off on them after I found out...I think..." She remembered kinda arguing with whoever it was, "They told me..." Damnit. She just had it. She knew she knew what they'd told her.

Josh: "Told you..." He shrugged, and cast his eyes to the ground. He'd known this conversation wouldn't be easy, but... "I never meant to mess things up so badly."

rachel: "Told me..." The boy is worried about you and he loves you. Yeah, probably should say that. "...Nevermind. Don't worry about it," she shook her head.

rachel: "I highly doubt it was all your fault, Josh," she shrugged. "I'm sorry for whatever I did, though don't know how much that means since I can't remember any of it."

Josh: He didn't want her apologies or her easy forgiveness. "You didn't do squat," he objected. "I mean it. I was dumb and pissy and ungrateful. I just thought you should know, okay?"

Josh: He strode ahead of her a bit on the path, hands shoved in his pocket. "I think we should go back in," he said after a moment.

rachel: "I don't think we should." Rachel stoppd where she was to watch him. "So, I know now. You said you wanted to talk, so are we going to? Telling me what happened isn't exactly talking through it."

Josh: "Yeah, well." He spread his arms, continuing to walk a few paces before stopping. "You don't remember it, so..."

rachel: "So what?" she gave him a look. "Where does that leave us exactly, Josh? That's what we need to talk about because I sure as hell know neither of us are over it."

rachel: "Just because I don't remember exactly what happened doesn't mean I don't remember how I felt...still feel."

Josh: "That's now what I meant..." There he went sticking his foot in his mouth again. He couldn't do this. "It's just... you don't remember," he said, hoping she'd get what he was failing to articulate.

Josh: "I mean... so if you hate me for it, that's fine and all, but like if you don't and you forgive me -" He broke off in exasperation. "I dunno. I couldn't be okay with that."

rachel: Rachel raked her hand through her hair. Yeah, this was getting to be worse than the phone, and she had to live with Josh. "I'm not going to hate you. I couldn't. I can't say I'm thrilled though. And why couldn't you?"

Josh: "Because - think about it! All you know is what I'm telling you. If you don't remember it - forgiveness would be too easy to come by," he finished flatly. "I hate to say it, but there it is."

rachel: "So you don't think I trust you?" She glanced down at the ground, picking at her knuckles. Rogue may kill her, but whatever. She didn't really care.

Josh: "I don't know why you would," he grimaced. "But that's still not the point. Even if I tell you, it can't replace..." His voice trailed off. Maybe reminding her time and again that she was missing memories was a bad idea.

Josh: "It's just not the same. Cut that out." He took her hands and laid his atop hers. A moment later her knuckles were healed.

rachel: "I can't be upset with you for something I can't remember." Rachel kept a hold on his hands, "I dunno. Just let it go? It's over and done with, and it's not going to change."

Josh: "... So where does that leave us?" he asked, staring at their hands, clasped together.

rachel: "I'd kinda...well, not kinda...really like to try again, if you want to..." And why did she feel nervous all of a sudden?

Josh: Why did she want to try again? He was almost afraid to answer. She disarmed him to easily. How could he explain to her that she was driving him crazy, and he was scared of it?

Josh: He looked at her eyes and licked his lips. On the verge of saying yes. Let's give it another go'round. We can't hurt each other more than we have already.

Josh: The words were on the tip of his tongue, and then he balked. Pulling his hands away, he turned around. "I can't right now, Rae. I'm not... ready. And I'm not entirely sure you are."

rachel: Rachel bit down on her lip hard as she fought to shove the tears back, her jaw clenching. She took a deep breath and let it out. Rachel would be damned if she was going to cry in front of him right now.

rachel: Stuffing her hands in her pockets, she slipped past him, "Fine. Let's go back in."

Josh: "Rae," he said, and hesitated. "Come on, don't be like that. Don't cry. It's just... not a great time, y'know? I don't think either of us need the stress of a relationship on top of everything else."

rachel: "I'm not crying." The words even sounded forced to her. "Yeah, sure, I know," she shrugged, making a face as her voice cracked. Not going to cry.

Josh: He really felt he'd made the... only decision, if not the right one. But it tore him up inside to see her upset. "... Let's go see Dr. McCoy."

rachel: "I can't. Not right now. Promised Rogue I'd see Xavier..." she scrubbed at her eyes with a palm. "And, I have other stuff to do, like get ready for my dad's visit or something."

Josh: "Oh. Well, okay then, I guess." His eyes flickered up. "Your dad is coming?”

rachel: Rachel willed herself to stop shaking and to take a deep breath before speaking. "Yeah." Her throat felt sore, and she could've sworn the aching in her chest was real. Great. Now she was crying. Rachel wiped at her face again.

Josh: He tried to smile. "That's great... Hope I get to meet him." Why did everything have to be so damn hard?

rachel: "Just fucking peachy," she muttered as they made it back to the patio. Rachel went to open the door and forced herself to glance at him, "I'll see you later, Josh."

Josh: "Yeah, okay, later." He was going for another run. Another long run. And maybe he just wouldn't come back.

[Esynthia]

will hurt Josh. Yay for Rae listening to Rogue though! poor both of them.

great job you two!