8/19 Instance: Best Left Forgotten

[Saint Kurt]

Timelined 2 -3 days after "Packing Pals" - TJ's return.


Talia: TJ sighed as she collapsed on her bed. Remy'd just brought them home from the airport, and gotten all the bags up to her room, then whisked their son away for some much needed "papatime". Which, she was glad for. She loved Johnny more than anything, but she needed some time to herself. And she also needed to unpack.

Talia: Ughhh she sat up looking at all the bags. She'd come back with much more than she'd left with, her parents having tons of things for Johnny. They'd really taken to spoiling their grandson, for sure.

Talia: She lay back down and closed her eyes. That could wait. So could catching up on school. Sleep now.

FrWagner: Kurt wandered down the hallway past the student dorms. He didn't spend much time in this area of the mansion, especially not since he'd moved out last year.

FrWagner: It was a lot less... tidy than the rest of the building and he had to resist the urge to start picking up various crumpled of papers and ... articles of clothes(!?) on the floor.

FrWagner: Once past the main area, he entered a much quieter, neater hallway and stopped outside what he hoped was the right door. He hid the flowers and a small gift wrapped box behind his back and knocked.

Talia: A knock on the door. Her eyes snapped open, and she moved lethargically to the door. "Yeah?" she pulled it open.

FrWagner: The door swung open so fast that Kurt stepped back in surprise. Talia was standing there, looking a little bit weary and her "yeah?" didn't sound exactly welcoming. It was like a phone call, when you were expecting to get a recording and the person answered instead. He had no idea what to say.

FrWagner: Momentarily tongue-tied, he held out the flowers and the gift. "Wilkommen..." not in German! "uh... back?" he said.

Talia: Wagner. Wait...Wagner and flowers? And gifts? "Yeah, we got back an hour or so ago..." she took the gifts, looking at them a moment. "Thanks..." she paused. What should she do?? "Um...you wanna come in??"

FrWagner: "Daisies," Kurt said, gesturing at the flowers, "there were uh... your mother liked them. I didn't know what you liked. The gift is for Johnny."

FrWagner: He looked past her for a moment. Did he want to come in, see where she lived? Where his grandson lived? Was she actually inviting him? Kurt nodded. "I'd... I'd like that," he said, "if it's not any trouble."

Talia: "No...it's kind of messy though. I haven't unpacked yet," she gave him a small smile, looking at the flowers. "And...daisies are pretty. I know Mom likes them...I dunno if I have a favorite..I only have ever gotten roses..."

FrWagner: "I don't mind messy," Kurt said as he took a few steps in, "I think the only reason my place doesn't look like a library after a tornado anymore is because ... nearly everything I own is still in storage in Europe. And ..." he looked around scratching his head, "you have much better decorating." He smiled.

FrWagner: "It was a rude awakening," Kurt said, nodding towards the flowers, still smiling. "I'd been told that roses were the key to a ladies heart and ... Well, your mother was special."

FrWagner: "So. How are things going this year?"

Talia: She looked around on his mention of decorating. "Actually...Remy did most of all this in my room and Johnny's room. I haven't had a chance to really decorate anymore...but I'm probably gonna hang some pictures soon..."

Talia: She shrugged, deciding to take a seat on the bed. "This year is ok I think. I'm starting to like..get into it."

FrWagner: "Well the classes are certainly getting more interesting," Kurt said. He looked around, wondering if he should sit down or not. He certainly couldn't just sit on the bed next to her without being invited.

FrWagner: Still standing, he said, "I'm glad you've enrolled in my class. I think we're going to have a lot of fun. Oh!" Kurt pointed at the gift, "that's for Johnny since it sounds like ... he'll sometimes be in our class too."

Talia: "Yeah??" She removed the wrapping from the box, her brow furrowing a bit. "I've never seen an activity center like this...it speaks in different languages??"

FrWagner: "Yeah!" Kurt said. He'd been so excited when he'd found it. He knelt down so he could point out the various features. "It has different settings see? So the different buttons say things in English, French, or in Italian. Or, you can just make it go randomly and then it says them in all three. They, uh... didn't have a German one."

FrWagner: "But I just thought it was so cool!" Kurt said. "Even though it was online. I had to put my credit card number into the internet. Do you think that's bad?"

Talia: She had to giggle a bit at his enthusiasm. "It's great. I think he'll really like it. He's really loving playing with buttons," she told him.

Talia: "I don;t think you'll have any problems with like...your credit card on the internet. I do it alot too..."

FrWagner: "Well, that's good," Kurt said, dropping the rest of the way down so that he was sitting on the floor on his knees across from her. Hey, a couple of weeks ago he'd been too stiff to do that! He smoothed his hair back, "I've just never done it, but ... I'm not very good with computers. I figured it was worth it."

FrWagner: He looked around. "Where is Johnny? I uh... figured he was with you most of the time."

Talia: "Oh, Remy stole him for a few hours," she said, pulling her legs up to sit indian style on the bed. "I think he really missed him while we were gone, so he wanted to take him out for a walk. Which I way don't mind."

FrWagner: "Oh. Well, that makes sense," Kurt said, leaning back on his hands and pulling his knees up. He thought about staring into Johnny's eyes the time Remy let him hold him. "I... I kind of missed him too."

Talia: She felt a bit odd, but smiled. "Well, he kinda does leave like...an impression on people, right??"

FrWagner: "Well, I don't know about others but... Well, for me... I guess, it's like getting to be a part of something I missed out on. I never got to see you grow up and I... I would have liked to, if I'd known. So... I..." Kurt paused, wondering if he was saying too much. These were things he'd talked about with Christine, but never with Talia.

FrWagner: "I don't have a family of my own so... It's just nice I guess. I means a lot to me even if I am more of a... uh... a bystander." Kurt smiled as he finished, hoping what he'd said made sense.

Talia: She sat silently for a while, feeling extremely uncomfortable. What exactly was he saying, what did he want? She sighed a bit, and looked down, playing with a bit of wrapping paper in her hands. "I know it wasn't what you wanted.."

FrWagner: Kurt furrowed his brow, sitting up straighter. "It wasn't what I wanted?" He didn't understand. "What wasn't? Having a grandson? No, I... It was just unexpected that's all. I was surprised. And it's not really about what I want, is it? You know? Because he's ... uh... yours. I'm happy. More than that, I'm ... I'm happy you're so happy." Kurt looked up at her from his place on the floor, hoping he wasn't continuing to blither in unintelligable English like he had a habit of doing whenever he was nervous.

Talia: She bit her lip. "No...I mean...having a daughter..." she said, feeling infinately weird once she got it out. "Or any kids...I know you didn't want that...."

FrWagner: Kurt rocked back so he was sitting on his heels again even though his hip was protesting sitting on the floor for so long. "Where... Where would you get an idea like that?" he asked. "I've never given you that impression have I? You were a surprise too, but ..." He smoothed his hair back again. "A good one. A good surprise."

Talia: She took a deep breath, rubbing her eye with her palm. "I....found some letters. In the attic. I guess you wrote them to my mom..."

FrWagner: Kurt shook his head. "I... But, I never sent any letters to your mother. I thought about contacting her often, but," Kurt sighed. "But I didn't," he said sadly. "And maybe that was good because... I was pretty confused back then to be totally honest. I did miss her though. A lot."

Talia: She gave him a bit of a confused look. "Yeah, I know..they're in the attic..."

Talia: "You said in them that you never wanted any children. Which....I guess I was kinda..." she trailed off, unable to meet his eyes.

FrWagner: Kurt shook his head. "No, they must be... Maybe they're from someone else? Because, if they were in your attic... well, I... They couldn't have been from me." Kurt stared at the floor a moment, thinking and then looked back at Talia.

FrWagner: "Like I said... I thought about writing to her, and ... and I even did a few times, but ... I never had the guts to send them. It's something I regret in many ways, but ... sometimes now I think it's for the best. Your father, the one who raised you; he loved you and that's... Well that's all I could ever wish for you to have," Kurt took a deep breath and glanced over towards the daisies on the table.

Talia: "No...the attic here," she told him. He was like...slow.

FrWagner: "Here?" Kurt pointed up at the ceiling. "You found letters I wrote, here? But I..."

FrWagner: He paused, his hand over his mouth. He'd had a box of letters once, he'd been unable to throw them away; a box with letters and pictures, even some of his old circus memorabilia. He'd put them all in a box and sealed it after his ordination, as though closing that volume of his history. But that box had been in Rome, lost in the fire with most of the rest of his belongings.

FrWagner: A thought crept into Kurt's mind, one that was both alarming and exhilarating. What if that box... hadn't been in Rome? What if it was here and therefore safe and intact with all those memories that he'd wanted to forget, but couldn't throw away? But if it was here and Talia had seen it? Gott... What had he written to Christine anyway? Had he written to her about children?

FrWagner: He had to clear his throat because his mouth was so dry. "Could you... Could you show me?" he asked, his voice almost a whisper.

Talia: "Um...they're like.." she thought a moment. She was sure that 'where me and remy used to screw' wasn't adequate reference. "Over the girls wing, like....way to the back...on some boxes..."

FrWagner: Kurt knitted his eyebrows thinking... Had he stored anything in the attic? Come to think of it, he had, though he wasn't sure what.

FrWagner: He tried to picture the attic interior in his mind and couldn't. Still, 2 jumps would do it, one to the girl's wing and another straight up. Kurt held up one thick finger.

FrWagner: "I will be right back," he said.

Talia: She jumped a bit at the teleport. It was so hard to get used to that.

FrWagner: Kurt was back in an instant with a box labeled "Wagner - storage" on the side under his arm. It had obviously been opened before and then hastily closed again.

FrWagner: He set it down on the floor brushed himself off. "You should see that place. Candles everywhere and ... my old mattress set from when I lived here before. I had no idea. It looks like people hang out up there sometimes. Is this it? Is this the box?"

Talia: Wait...his mattress? Uhh..."Yeah, that's it. We accidentally like.,...found it...it fell over..." she looked away from him, coughing a bit nervously.

FrWagner: Kurt unfolded the cardboard top of the box in silence and looked in. Meine Gott... He'd been sure he'd lost all of this, the pictures, the letters, everything...

FrWagner: He held up an old picture of himself. Had his hair really been that long? He'd grown it to cover up his ears, but... looked at it now, it looked really stupid. He turned it around for Talia to see... "Kind of different no? Why I thought it important to hide my ears when my whole body was blue... I just don't know."

FrWagner: He reached in again and drew out a stack of letters on plain folded paper. He opened on up and read it. It was about his ordination to the deaconate. "These?" he asked, still reading.

Talia: She pulled up her knees, resting her chin, nodding. "Yeah, those..."

FrWagner: They were out of order and as he read through them, he remembered them, writing them, going to those places, thinking those things. Nothing mentioned Talia though. Until...

FrWagner: This one was slightly wrinkled. He read the words on it...

FrWagner: "I have always thought that, because of the way that I am, that I cannot have children. And now I fervently pray that this is true."

Talia: "Yeah..." she trailed off, feeling odd. She decided to focus on her ankles again.

FrWagner: He'd written that. He'd written it to Christine. Kurt frowned. He had prayed. He never told anyone about the possibility, about that one night with Christine... but he had prayed. And he'd been wrong.

FrWagner: Kurt shut his eyes. He wanted to tear the letter up. Tear himself up if he could have. Talia never should have seen this, his private thoughts when he was a new seminarian, when he was so confused about... everything.

FrWagner: Instead he shook his head. "I was wrong," he said.

FrWagner: He held up the paper. "I was completely and utterly wrong."

Talia: TJ shrugged. "It doesn't matter....it's how you felt...i guess like...everyone can feel how they wanna feel..."

FrWagner: Kurt took a deep breath and shook his head. "No," he said. "That's not true because... if I had known about you. If your mother had told me..." Kurt smiled. "I don't think there would have been a plane back to America fast enough for me."

Talia: "Uh...." she didn't know exactly how to respond. "I'm sorry..."

FrWagner: "Don't be. Never be sorry. I'm the one who should be sorry because... Because it was my loss and not yours," Kurt said.

FrWagner: He looked at the letter again, reading it over... "These are... they are the words of ignorance. The words of someone who because they didn't know the truth, could believe a lie."

FrWagner: "It is my only consolation to know that... it is perhaps because I didn't know, that you had such a wonderful father."

Talia: She paused a second, then nodded. "I do have a really great father.....and...thanks..."

FrWagner: Kurt smiled, taking another deep breath. Was this that had been wrong? All that time? Why Talia had given him the cold shoulder for ... years now?

FrWagner: "I think... I think what I was really praying for was... well, that your life would not be like mine was. That you wouldn't have to face the years of ... discrimination, the hiding, the isolation that came with looking so different. And... And you didn't. So even though I may have prayed for the wrong thing?"

FrWagner: "My prayers were answered," Kurt said. He could actually feel his eyes starting to water. Was he actually going to start crying? In front of a student? No. Not a student. His daughter.

FrWagner: He let them fall.

Talia: Oh God...he was crying..she didn't know what to say...

Remy: Remy walked through Johnny's door with him, and glanced up through TJ's open door, spotting her on the bed looking uncomfortable. "Hey..."

Talia: She turned and saw Remy in the other room with their son. "Oh! Hey...." she replied. Man this was...it just didn't get less uncomfortable...

FrWagner: Kurt turned around at the sound of the door opening. Remy was standing there, holding Johnny. He looked at back at Talia, then at the box before wiping his eyes with one hand.

FrWagner: "Es tut mir sehr Leid," he said, putting the letters back. "I mean... I'm sorry." He went to rise, but he'd been sitting long enough, even with the brief jaunt to the attic that it didn't happen; his leg was too stiff to just jump up. "Hallo... uh Remy. And Johnny. Did... did you have a good walk?"

Remy: He started at the second voice, and came a bit farther into the room. "Oh. Hey." He looked back and forth between the two. "Uhhh....how are things?"

Talia: She smiled at her son, standing to give him a little kiss on the head. "Um...Fr. Wagner stopped by, and he brought Johnny a new toy!"

FrWagner: Now that Talia was off the bed, Kurt reached out to use it to pull himself up. "Yeah. It's... I hope he likes it. I... um... I thought it looked neat." Kurt said. He wondered if Remy knew about the letters and the box too. Had they both been up in that attic together with ... the candles and ...

FrWagner: He didn't want to think about it.

Remy: His brow furrowed slightly, giving TJ a 'what's up' look. A baby toy made him cry? "Uh. Merci. For d' gift." He said turning back to Kurt. "Y' want t' see Johnny?"

FrWagner: Kurt looked from Remy to Talia. Of course he did, but...

FrWagner: "I... uh..." he looked back at Talia for the right answer.

Remy: He noticed the exchange, but walked forward and plopped Johnny in Kurt's arms without ceremony, sitting down on the bed beside TJ. "He was havin' fun outside playin' wit' d' leaves, but thought it was a bit nippy so I brought him back in."

Talia: She bit her lip a bit watching Remy hand Johnny over....did Wagner know what to do with babies?? She watched him carefully. "Yeah? It is getting kinda cold. He probably is gonna need some sweaters and stuff soon."

FrWagner: Kurt quickly wrapped his arms around Johnny, holding him tightly. He didn't squirm or wriggle like the last time; in fact he seemed positively overjoyed to see Kurt again and with a big grin, reached out and grabbed Kurt's nose.

FrWagner: There was nothing he could do about it but sit down on the edge of the bed. After gently prying Johnny's fingers free, he turned him slightly so he could sit on his lap. "Hallo again mein Geliebt," Kurt said.

Remy: Remy gave the pair a smile and glanced back at TJ, giving her a reassuring one. "So what were y' two talkin' about?"

Talia: "Um....just...stuff..." she told Remy, before picking up the toy off the floor. "Look, this is what he brought. Isn't it cool?? But like..it says it needs to be like..put together and stuff..."

Remy: "Stuff?" He grasped the toy in his hands but ignored it, looking back to Kurt as he played with Johnny. "Y got bad news, homme?"

FrWagner: "Me? Uh... No. Or..." Kurt took a deep breath. "I suppose we were ... uh... reminiscing about how foolish I once was," he said, giving a lopsided grin to Talia. He looked down at the box. Johnny was inspecting his collar again. "Or well, maybe I did get some bad news now that you mention it," Kurt said as Johnny once again expertly popped the square of white from it's tabs with a shriek of glee.

FrWagner: Kurt wanted to laugh. It was almost impossible to be serious or sad, when you were holding a baby in your arms.

Talia: "Well...it wa just...talking," she told Remy, pulling her legs up again. "Like..no big deal really.."

Remy: He reached over to TJ, and rested his hand on her shoulder. "Ok. as long as y' two worked things out alright."

Talia: She flinched oddly, just a bit, at Remy's touch. "Yeah, well, it's fine..."

Remy: He frowned slightly, but dropped his hand back into his lap. "So what's d' bad news den?"

FrWagner: Kurt wasn't sure he was supposed to explain. Maybe Talia had never told Remy about those letters she'd read. Then again, they were his letters. He turned to Remy, absently mindedly stroking Johnny's peachfuzz hair as Johnny turned his collar over in his hands.

FrWagner: "Do you remember we had a conversation once Remy? About... about little mistakes that you make can... They can turn into big mistakes? I guess you could say I just ... discovered another one." He nodded at the box which was now open, it's contents a jumble inside.

Remy: He raised a brow. "Oui..." he bent over, confused for a moment, before it twigged on him. "Ohhh..." He glanced at TJ, wondering what she'd said. "Well. Best t' get it all out in d' clear, neh?"

Talia: "Yeah," she responded. "And...I think it's clearer now...right?" She asked Kurt.

FrWagner: "I hope so," Kurt said. He looked down at the box again, tapping it with his foot.

FrWagner: "You know... I thought all this stuff was lost," he said. "I think maybe... it should have been. I mean," Kurt looked down at Johnny and then at Talia, "we certainly wouldn't want anyone to think that ... I didn't love my family."

Remy: "Nothin' in life is ever easy." He shrugged. "I didn't want kids, but now dat I have him, I wouldn't change it." He met TJ's eyes. "Y' get d' answers y' needed?"

Talia: "I...I think so," she told him. This was so weird. She still was thinking all this through, but....she felt better about it than she had.

Remy: "Good. Knew dat ate y' up a bit." He gave her a smile. "Well..I'm thinkin' of goin' down t' grab a snack. Y' want anythin'?

FrWagner: So Remy had known. He wished one of them had said something earlier. Kurt nodded, kissed Johnny on the head, and then carefully handed him over to Talia.

FrWagner: He reached down and picked up the box, rearranging its contents so he could fold the top closed again. "I think... I think I've seen as much of these memories as I ever want to. It's a few years too late, but I didn't miss them when I thought they were gone. How about we say goodbye to them now?"

Talia: She took Johnny in her arms, giving him a little kiss on the head as he began to chew on the white tab. "If you wanna get me some fruit or something," she told Remy.

Talia: Then she turned to Wagner. "What do you mean??"

FrWagner: "Well, we do have that nice big fireplace in our rec room. And even though it's still early... I thought it might be a nice night for a fire," Kurt said, giving the box a shake for emphasis.

FrWagner: "It's just a bunch of pictures of me with a stupid haircut and some ... poorly worded letters I was too cowardly to actually send. Nothing really important. Certainly nothing worth saving any longer than it's been saved. So let's get rid of it," Kurt said.

Remy: He shrugged. "If y' want. Dunno if y' want t' erase y're whole past. Isn't dere stuff in dere y' wanna keep?"

FrWagner: Kurt shook his head. "Not really," he said. "You?"

Remy: He shook his head. "Ain't my history really." his eyes slid over to TJ. "Its more y'alls."

Talia: TJ shrugged a bit, hugging Johnny close. "I dunno."

FrWagner: "True. So? Should we close this unfortunate chapter in the "Life of Kurt Wagner" then?" He asked Talia. "I think I like the way the story is going now better anyway."

Talia: She nodded with a small smile. "Yeah..I think I agree.."

FrWagner: Kurt stood up and looked down at Talia and her son. "Thank you," he said. He put his hand on Johnny's head for a moment and then stepped back. "There was never a time that I didn't love you Talia. Never." He turned to leave and then realized something was missing.

FrWagner: He stepped back. "But, I do need this back," he said to Johnny as he gently extracted his missing collar from five tiny blue fingers. "It's a part of who I am."

FrWagner: Shifting the box under his arm, he turned back to the three of them and smiled before walking out the door.