lame-o self-insertion fan-fic of hyphenated DOOM!

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lame-o self-insertion fan-fic of hyphenated DOOM!

Post by flashbang13 »

Wow. I haven't written a fanfic since middle school XD

I know fics like these, especially with my over-the-top melodrama, can be rather annoying. What I tried to do is write things in that make fun of the fic itself, kinda like an epic-fail parachute that doesn't flare out when it's released. I won't be the only RW charrie in this, though; I have some rather interesting friends that come along later on.

Whether it's good or so bad it makes you laugh till you barf, I hope you enjoy it XD And if there are any mistakes I made as far as research goes, please let me know! I'm kind of a new fan, and even with all the encyclopedias, I know I'll probably miss a few details.


Alrighty then! Here we go...

Firefly (working title)

A red Ford truck pulled up to the front gate. Xavier himself checked them in; he had no matters that summoned him from the mansion. As the monstrous pickup glided into the drop-off lane, I could see two young women inside. The driver hopped out of her side, showing her to be surprisingly short; the passenger, however, reluctantly slunk out from behind her door.

I watched both of them walk up the stairs to the institute. The short woman had fiery red waves for hair. She had a young face, but she carried herself very maturely. The passenger was several inches taller, with black hair and dark skin; her hair curled similarly to the other woman's. She shuffled along to the front door and seemed very self-concious.

This girl's hand hovered over the door handle for several seconds before she pushed it open. I spied on them from the upper floor as Xavier welcomed them in the foyer.

Now that they were in close sights, I could tell that the red-haired woman looked slightly older than the tall one. She held the raven-haired girl's hand as they approached Xavier. Her voice held a warm, wizened tone as she said, " Thank you for inviting us here. You have already heard of my daughter, no doubt, but I would also like to introduce myself. I'm Dolores Rodriguez."

My fur bristled slightly. That threw me for a loop. The two women were nothing alike, and Dolores seemed deceptively young; I now deduced she might be forty or older.

Xavier greeted them jovially," When I detected you on Cerebro, it said you lived in El Paso, Texas. I'm sure you've found that New York is a very different environment, but I hope you will enjoy it all the same."

The black haired girl chortled, " I'll be fine in the summer, but don't be surprised if I start wearing ten layers of clothes in the winter. I'm like a lizard, I need sun!"

This girl was only a teenager, complete with tight black clothes, giant sunglasses, and Valley Girl dialect. I smiled slightly. We'd been getting lots of young ones lately, and it was so much fun to work with them.

" Well, June, I hope you can bear with us long enough to get those powers of yours under control," Xavier mused. " Now, let's get you unpacked. Come along with me and I'll show you your room."

June stared wistfully at her mother. Dolores hugged her tightly; the embrace seemed awkward, because June would not lift up her hands to return the gesture. Instead, they clenched up tightly. Dolores whispered something reassuring, and kissed her forehead. " You better not get in any trouble now, okay? I don't want any calls from the institute saying you blew up the school!"

June rolled her eyes. " Of course I will. Why wouldn't I just totally demolish my only chance for normalcy? You act like I want to be an X-man or something!"

Gotta love a cute girl with sarcasm!

They gazed at each other one last time; then Dolores, lithe as a panther, slid out through the glass door. June watched the Ford depart, then sighed heavily.

My tail flickered back and forth in anticipation. June would get only three days to acclimate herself to life at the Institute. When that time was up, she would be sent to the Danger Room and have her powers evaluated. I'd be there of course; I appointed myself the godfather of every new X-man that walks through those glass doors.

I went over my standard set of lines.

" Velcome to ze Institute, June. My codename is Nightcrawler. Since I'll be one of your teachers, you can call me Mr. Wagner..."

" ...but you're so cute, you can just call me Kurt."

I loved that one. Made the girls giggle every time.

June started silently marching up the stairs. As she approached, I blushed slightly at the sight of her face. It was absolutely adorable! She had the face of a ten year old, with a round jawline and cheeks I could pinch the freckles off of! To top it off, the wild black forest on her head reminded me of Peter Pan and The Lost Boys. I was getting giddy from how cute and childlike she was...

...until I looked into her eyes. Sharp like an obsidian arrowhead, they were, and shadowy. They bore holes in the carpet, aching and burning all the way up; their pain gave way to tears. How could such a cherub hope to contain the obvious hunger and longing her eyes betrayed? They drained all of the happiness from me like black holes. " Vhat a killjoy..."

The Danger Room couldn't come soon enough. I was determined to put the first smile on June's face in her time here no matter what. I bamfed myself right behind her.

She hacked, " Did someone burn out a light bulb? I heard a pop...and who ate too much spicy food? It reeks of butt-bomb!"

" You're lucky zat your power is only being too cute for your good, mein liebchen."

She turned around swiftly, whacking me in the face with her hair.

"Plegh!" I pulled a strand of it out from my mouth. " I have enough fur-"

June let out a small shriek, and then there was a bright, bright flash; as it slowly faded, I rubbed at my eyes. " Mein Gott!"

Xavier wheeled over to June's side. She was crouched on the ground, glowing from the after-effect of her power. Her black eyes were wide with terror, and glued to me.

" Don't be frightened, June. This here is a good friend of mine, but I'll let him introduce himself."
I smiled at him broadly. He chuckled lightly, then nodded.

" My name is Kurt Wagner. My codename is Nightcrawler, and I teach Fine Arts here at ze Institute. I hear you've enrolled in several of my excellent classes, and I vanted to give you a varm velcome to our fine establishment." I extended my hand towards her.

June shrank away from it.

I looked into the deep space of her eyes; they were a sort of rude awakening for me. I smiled even more widely, as those wild orbs held the trademark look of a new student: doubtful, afraid, possibly angry, in need of sleep.

" What is your suit made of?" June stared at my hand intently.

"Vell..." I scratched my head, " It's a lightweight fabric zat's breathable, stretchy, und really, really tight! Xavier here, he's an amazing man, but he'll never be able to make a suit zhat doesn't ride up your butt in a battle!"

A smile flickered on her face, then disappeared again. " Is it fireproof?"

Ah. I understand now. " It's fire resistant..."

I could already see the look of defeat in her eyes.

" Don't vorry, mein liebchen. You von't hurt me."

" I...I'm not sure if I should risk it..."

I crouched down, meeting her eye to eye.

" Don't be afraid of risks anymore. You already took ze biggest risk of your life by opening zat front door. Ze greatest measure of a person's courage is zheir ability to do vat's right in ze face of adversity; und by coming here to join us, you've proven zat you have zis strength inside of you. Now," I offered my hand to her again, " I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch your name. Vas it April? May?"

She rolled her eyes at me and smiled slightly. " June Rodriguez. I really hope you don't plan to use that joke again, I've been getting it since second grade."
Her hand reached towards mine slowly; she grabbed it as gently as she could, barely touching it with her fingertips. I squeezed her hand tightly. She flinched and turned away, but found that nothing had happened. June breathed a sigh of relief. The smile came back, revealing her small, sharp teeth. I told her this using a rather patronizing tone of voice, to which June replied, " All the better to eat rare steak with!"

Charles, who had been silent all this time, now joined in, " Something tells me you'll be good friends with Bobby."

June cocked her head to one side. She broke her puzzled look with a small bounce, then picked up her bags. I noticed the handles were wrapped in tin foil. I wanted to ask about it, but I kept the question to myself. Xavier was already leading June to her room, which was a floor down from mine. She turned her head back at me and smiled again. " See you in the morning, Mr. Weinerschnitzel!"

June paused to watch me slap my palm against my forehead; as she continued down the hall, her bubbling laughter echoed all around it, like the gurgling of a stream.





[Edited on 22/5/09 by flashbang13]
Me: Do people that have sex with you get rug burn?
Kurt.....;)
Me: lol
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lame-o self-insertion fan-fic of hyphenated DOOM!

Post by steyn »

Heh, first time I read self insertion where someone is writing from Kurt's viewpoint, usually it's the OC's view in the story, going all ga-ga over Kurt

Btw, LOL Weinerschnitzel
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Post by Angelique »

So far, so good. Just because I am (totally) a stickler for accuracy, however, this admitted original Valley Girl has to wonder if a girl from El Paso would talk, y'know, like she was, like, from Sherman Oaks, CA.

(I've lived in Idaho for over 20 years now, and- omigod!- I still haven't completely lost it! The speech and accent, that is. I'm afraid the mind's long gone.)
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lame-o self-insertion fan-fic of hyphenated DOOM!

Post by Elfdame »

Dunno, Ang -- I'm a middle-aged granny, Southern born and bred, and I still sound like Moon Unit Zappa on occasion. Prolly 'cos I never grew up ...
"Humanity is a parade of fools, and I am at the front of it, twirling a baton." From Chapter 9 of _Brother Odd_ by Dean Koontz / from Chapter 10: "Life you can evade; death you cannot."

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Post by flashbang13 »

Steyn- Thanks! I was looking for a way to do it that was a little different. It really helps to do it in his point of view because it lets me plan out more realistic reactions, kinda keeps me in line a little more with the mooning. :LOL

Angelique-Yeah. I live in El Paso but I never learned Spanish. When I was little I thought all cool kids talked with a Valley girl accent, so I'd always talk like that. It just stuck XD



[Edited on 23/5/09 by flashbang13]
Me: Do people that have sex with you get rug burn?
Kurt.....;)
Me: lol
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Post by Angelique »

flashbang13 wrote: Angelique-Yeah. I live in El Paso but I never learned Spanish. When I was little I thought all cool kids talked with a Valley girl accent, so I'd always talk like that. It just stuck XD
Interesting. I never actually thought a strong regional accent from a few Southern California suburbs would be popular anywhere, particularly since I've observed a generally negative attitude toward it.
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Post by flashbang13 »

lol I always watched the movies where they stereotyped teenagers using that dialect. I wanted to be cool like the kids on the tv XD I'll admit that it's pretty weird how my speech got that way, but I know I sound totally white. If you heard me on the phone, you'd never guess I'm an ethnic mutt XD

[Edited on 23/5/09 by flashbang13]
Me: Do people that have sex with you get rug burn?
Kurt.....;)
Me: lol
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Post by OneItalianFlower »

If you'd like actual critique on your story, I would be willing to critique it. I know some people aren't very good with it, so I don't want to impose. This definitely has potential, though. :D
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Post by flashbang13 »

Oh please. I love having opportunities to make myself better.
Me: Do people that have sex with you get rug burn?
Kurt.....;)
Me: lol
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Post by OneItalianFlower »

While I play with this...is there more? :D
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Post by flashbang13 »

Not yet! I'm actually working on my first day of class right now XD I can pm you a summary of the plot, if you'd like
Me: Do people that have sex with you get rug burn?
Kurt.....;)
Me: lol
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Post by OneItalianFlower »

Yes, please. :)
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Post by flashbang13 »

lol this will take a while
Me: Do people that have sex with you get rug burn?
Kurt.....;)
Me: lol
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Post by OneItalianFlower »

So will my edits. :) It works out. I'll probably e-mail it to you.
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Post by flashbang13 »

cool. well I just finished the first half of my summary, take a look!
Me: Do people that have sex with you get rug burn?
Kurt.....;)
Me: lol
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Post by flashbang13 »

Day One, part one

The wake-up bell rang at 6:30 while I was wrestling with my white tie. I had woken a full half hour early, so I teleported to the downstairs showers, since it took the students a while to wake up; they'd be practically empty. I was filled with excitement at the thought of a new student. June had signed up for Art, Music, Drama, and Psychology! " Zhis girl has got to have a mile-vide creative streak; I hope she'll be able to keep up with it all, though..."

When I had finished with my shower, I decided to take the elevator back up to my floor; the brimstone smell tended to settle in my fur, which I found slightly unpleasant.

Most of the students were used to seeing me in my field uniform; I felt that seeing me in the vesture of a normal teacher would help ease June's transition, not to mention that there are few occasions where I get to dress up for the class!

I ransacked my closet looking for my forest green, button up shirt. It had been in there so long that it had gathered a substantial amount of dust. I waved it in the air a few times to shake the dust off, then fumbled with the buttons as I wrapped it around my body.

I found the cleanest looking pair of khakis I had and thrust my foot into the pantleg. I carefully threaded my tail through the tailored hole, then pulled up the zipper. I looked at myself in the mirror as I smoothed my shirt, pushing the wrinkles down. I felt pretty snazzy.

" If only ties veren't so difficult..."

As I walked over to the dining room for breakfast, I saw June walking with a zombie-like shuffle to the table. Her overall appearance was so amusingly dishiveled; her graceful, wide curls now stuck out at impossible angles, all the while writhing in bed-head fashion. Her eyelids were half-open like a drunkard, and her enormous sleepshirt hung off to the side, exposing one of her shoulders. I could hear her mumbling incoherently as she pulled out a chair and sat on it in a crouching pose, which reminded me of the little cretin, Toad.

While the table was being set, June was silently staring at the table. When the food came out, she grimaced. I walked around to where she was seated and asked, " Vhat's wrong, liebchen?"

Her hellfire eyes locked on me, their intensity deepened by the dark circles under her eyes. " I don't like breakfast food, it's bland and kind of disgusting." Her voice had a little bit of a growl to it. It sounded murky compared to the sharp, somewhat melodic tone that rang in my ears yesterday.

" Plus there's no meat," she added.

" Vell," I sighed, " zhere's plenty of bacon und wurst-" I caught myself, " I mean, sausages...and don't forget ze biscuits und jelly."

Her face lit up quite literally. " Vatch yourself," I gently reminded her.

I watched as she went again, and again, and AGAIN for the bacon and sausage. Everyone stared at her as she piled a good half-pound of bacon on her plate. The one fried egg with the little portion of hash browns had been on a small corner of the plate, as if the thin cuts of pork were ganging up on it. Logan looked especially peeved.

Everyone watched wide-eyed as June downed the whole plate to the last crumb. Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, she smiled and sighed, " Now that's a breakfast!"
Looking at the amazed faces around her, all she said was, " You think that's amazing? Wait till you see my next trick. I'll make half the food in this house disappear."

Several of the students groaned, but I saw that further down the table, Bobby had a satisfied smirk on his face.

After breakfast, while the throng of students squeezed through the door to get ready for class, June rushed past me. I found it surprising that she walked so fast. She reached the stairs in a heartbeat while the rest of the crowd trailed behind.

I made my way to the art room to prep for what turned out to be the most memorable day of my teaching career.

When the bell rang, June was the first student to enter the room. Her hair remained a rat's nest, but her tight black jeans and leather choker gave her a strong aura of wicked purposefulness. Her absorbent eyes searched around the room. " It's good to see a new student here on time," I commented. " Zhe first three desks of zhe left most row are empty. Take vhichever one you vant." She put down a huge binder and an art tacklebox on the front most desk, the one farthest from the other students' arrangement.

The other students wandered in little by little; each one looked immediately at the newly occupied corner. June responded by silently staring back, as if she could steal their essence with the void contained in her eyes. Every single one of them shuddered, then retreated to their place.

I gave her a puzzled look; her eyes fixed on me for an electric second, then shifted downward as she nonchalantly shrugged.

As I walked to the front of the class, I was surprised to feel a small tremor going down my spine as she watched me. Vhat in ze VORLD is with zat girl's eyes?!

I smiled like I was posing for a school photo as I said, " Good morni-"

" Hey, why're you all dressed up, Mr. Wagner?"
" Is that new kid gonna introduce herself?"
" Looking good, Mr. W..."
" Is the new girl hot?"

" Okay, everyone, calm down! Yes, ve have a new student; it is up to her vhether she vould like to introduce herself or not."

I looked at her pleadingly. " Vill you, please?"

June looked back and around at everyone else; then sighed. She rose from her seat abruptly and faced the class with those steely eyes. " I'm June, like the month, only less summery. I can do anything that isn't real work, like art and music. I'm really smart, too, so don't be surprised if I suddenly use a big word like 'reciprocated'."

" Hey, are you emo?"
" So, babe, what's your power?"
" Why did you eat all the bacon? Aren't goths like, vegetarian or something?"

June's gaze turned from a purposeful focus to a violent glare. " I am NOT emo or goth. Just because someone likes to wear black doesn't mean they're automatically that. As far as my powers go, I'd rather wait until they've been assessed so that I won't lie about what I can and can't do."

June slipped back into her chair and was eerily quiet. I stared at her for a while, slightly amazed by the wild change in her mood.

" All right, zhen... today, ve're going to do an exercise in abstract art! I vant you to make a shape or pattern zhat best represents you."

June's sulking vanished as quickly as I could! She eyed the ream of paper I was passing around hungrily. When I got to her row, she looked up at me with a sheepish grin. She practically grabbed the paper out of my hands, then gingerly laid a single sheet on her desk. After quickly turning in her chair to pass back the stack, she immediately went to her art supply box and dug out a pencil, eraser, and colored pencils.

Everyone had their heads lowered over their paper. There was the sound of frantic scribbling, but June's arm rose and fell in a slow, syncopated rhythm against the constant scratching. The sound of voices whispering rose like the tide into a buzz of conversation, but June was silently transfixed to her paper.

Monika, otherwise known as Carmen, sat in the seat next to June. Her aqua blue eyes flickered towards June. June looked towards her, catching her eyes. The blonde smiled, revealing a miniscule gap in her teeth. I was relieved to see June smile back. Monika extended her hand, and June took it with a slight hesitation.

" Hey! My name's Monika Fischer, and my codename's Carmen."

June replied, " My name's June. I don't have a codename yet," she looked down at her desk sheepishly, " but ever since my powers showed up my mom calls me Ol' Sparky."

Monika's bright eyes widened. " Oh really? That's so funny! They call me Carmen on account of my seductive singing voice." She flashed a flirty smile, and June rolled her eyes. " Sopranos..."

Monika laughed, " That sucks! You already know what it's all about before I even get the chance to unleash my blondness on you!"

June giggled in reply, " It's all good, I was a soprano one at my school, too! Can you count to four?"

Monika's face flushed, and she whined, " No! Wagner's always making fun of me for it!"

June was glowing more and more with every minute of the conversation. Even her pitch black eyes seemed warm. I was happy to see she could make friends despite her seemingly antisocial demeanor.

Everything was fine up until fifteen minutes till the end of class. While sitting in my desk, I felt a sort of electric buzz in the air; then there was the snap of a broken pencil. Several students in June's row were startled, and June herself let out a cry of pain.

I hurried over to where June was. Her hand was bleeding, and I could see it had been pierced with shards of her pencil. Monika still held up her binder to protect her face. Splinters were sticking out from it. " Holy cow," the blonde muttered.

June let out short, sharp gasps as tears leaked from the corners of her eyes. " Bitte sehr, tell me what happened!" I looked toward Monika, who shrugged. " The pencil just blew up." I noticed the metal ring and the eraser were still intact, embedded in the wall of my classroom!

I took June's gored hand gingerly, then teleported to the infirmary. " Ann! Ann!"

" I'm right behind you, Kurt; now just what is going on?"

Ann stood above me with her hands on her hips, her black hair trailing down to her waist. " Our new student just injured herself."

Ann's ice blue eyes examined me suspiciously; then she sighed heavily. " What's the damage this time?"

Ann came around me and flinched at the sight of June's impaled hand. " Yeowch! Hon, what'd you do?"

June kept gasping for air, her face contorted.

" Okay, sweetie, calm down." Ann kneeled at June's side.

June hissed through her clenched teeth, " Oh, God this hurts!" She took sharp, shallow breaths as Ann attempted to remove the splinters. As Ann struggled to pull the wood out of June's hand, June moaned and whined. It always surprised me, the low pain thresh hold our new kids had.

Ann eventually grew tired of June doing everything short of screaming bloody murder. She removed her white latex gloves, revealing skin that was nearly the same color. Her hands seemed to be covered in a petroleum-like substance. Ann looked into June's panicked eyes and spoke sweetly, " Okay, honey, look at me. Take slow, deep breaths. I'm gonna make it stop hurting. Can you calm down for me?"

June nodded and moaned, " Please make it stop."

Ann massaged the jelly on her hands into the wounds on June's hand. June's face pulled into a tight grimace; it gradually loosened as Ann's secretions took effect.

Ann was not only our school nurse, but a skilled physical recovery therapist and masseuse. The secretion from her hands could do a wondrous number of things, including producing hot and cold sensations; however, the effect it would take now was unnerving to watch, so I excused myself from the room and waited outside.

Ten minutes later, I heard a surprised scream come from Ann. I jumped. Ann opened the door to the infirmary and pushed June out. " She's all yours, Kurt," she said with a ragged breath; then she slammed the door shut.

June stumbled toward me with a dreamy look in her eyes. Her face was rapturous as she breathed, " That lady made the pain go away so gooood. I was tingly all over." She ran a finger across the fur on my cheek and sighed. " That feels orgasmic! Do I really have to go to my next class? I just wanna spend the whole day touching you..."

I waved her hand away from my face, disguising my embarrassment. " Ann really did a number on you, liebchen. " I muttered under my breath, " Wunderbar..."

Once again, I found myself thinking, the Danger Room couldn't come fast enough.

The bell rang. I grabbed the back of June's jacket and teleported back to the classroom. Monika was waiting there, staring at June's desk worriedly. She heard the bamf and turned to face us, smiling. " So she's all right?"

I sighed as June grabbed a hold of my arm and rubbed her cheek against it. " Vell, I think Ann overdid this one."

As if to prove my point, June shuddered and said longingly, " I love you, Mr. Weinerschitzel..."

Monika laughed, a high-pitched shriek that filled the empty classroom. " She's going to be on that endorphin high all day! Dude, that SUCKS!"

I pried June off me, then scooted her in the direction of her desk. " Now, June," I sighed, " please get your stuff and go to your next class."

June gave me a dopey, puppy-dog look, then pulled her schedule out of her binder.

Monika sat on top of my desk. In a low voice, she asked, " Are you sure you want to wait the full three days before the Danger Room? I mean, look what she did with just that pencil. What if she had set the whole friggin' room on fire?"

I scratched the back of my head. " You know, after vhat happened today, I think zat it vould really be a good idea to send her off early. I definitely don't vant to go through zhis again."

I pointed my thumb back at June, who was staring intently at her schedule. Her face lit up and she squealed with glee. " Mr. Blue Ball! " she called ecstatically.

Both Monika and I flinched. " Guess what?" June exclaimed, " I have you next period, too! We're gonna have so much fun!"

I held my face in my hands. Monika, being the little smart aleck she was, speedily left the classroom. " Goodbye and good luck! She's all yours, Mr. W!"

I looked up at the ceiling and silently prayed for God to grant me the patience to make it through to lunch.

:LOL


[Edited on 1/6/09 by flashbang13]

[Edited on 1/6/09 by flashbang13]
Me: Do people that have sex with you get rug burn?
Kurt.....;)
Me: lol
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Post by Angelique »

Okay, this is definitely more interesting.

One thing though- Carmen is one of the rare operas in which the leading lady is not a soprano.

If you want to make fun of soprano stereotypes, go with Fiordiligi or Dorabella (ditzy), Madame Herz (snotty), Lucia (crazy and doomed to die), Vanessa (snotty and crazy), Tosca (seductive singing voice and, like so many sopranos in tragic operas, doomed to die) , or the ultimate in opera soprano stereotypes (especially if she really is blonde) Brünnhilde.
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flashbang13
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lame-o self-insertion fan-fic of hyphenated DOOM!

Post by flashbang13 »

I know, but I picked Carmen for her seductive character, not necessarily for her voice part. She's also more widely known to people who aren't opera fans.

Not to mention that Brunhilde is always portrayed as being rather fat, when Monika herself isn't XD

[Edited on 1/6/09 by flashbang13]

[Edited on 1/6/09 by flashbang13]
Me: Do people that have sex with you get rug burn?
Kurt.....;)
Me: lol
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lame-o self-insertion fan-fic of hyphenated DOOM!

Post by The Drastic Spastic »

Damn, if he was really that shy and awkward as a teacher the kids would tear him to pieces. It's kind of scary to read honestly.
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flashbang13
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lame-o self-insertion fan-fic of hyphenated DOOM!

Post by flashbang13 »

Yeah, I'll admit it's pretty OOC, but it's not really because Nighty's being shy. He's just sensing there's something wrong about my OC, something he can see in her eyes that he isn't comfortable with. XD It sounds so Mary-Sue but I assure you there is a an actual problem, not just melodramatic angst.

[Edited on 1/6/09 by flashbang13]
Me: Do people that have sex with you get rug burn?
Kurt.....;)
Me: lol
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lame-o self-insertion fan-fic of hyphenated DOOM!

Post by neling4 »

Hey flashbang! I like your story. :D I look forward to the next installment.
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lame-o self-insertion fan-fic of hyphenated DOOM!

Post by flashbang13 »

Thankies very muchly! It's been a while since I wrote a fanfic, but it's coming out a lot better than I expected. Glad you enjoy it!
Me: Do people that have sex with you get rug burn?
Kurt.....;)
Me: lol
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