Pain. That was all Kurt could think about at the moment, the burning pain that flowed from the scar on the back of his neck to the rest of his body. He could barely open his mouth to eat let alone speak, his gums always starting to bleed when he tried either one. His tail was unmoving, unless you counted trembling as movement.
If Stryker had known that his mind-controlling serum had an after effect that would cause such pain to mutants and would not be cured for years and years, he would have most likely died laughing.
Kurt lay in bed, the quilts thrown off savagely into the corner of the room. He lay there, in nothing but very light boxers, his scarred indigo skin drenched in feverish sweat that soaked through the sheets and mattress. He needed to shut his molten yellow eyes tightly, any kind of light or movement causing pain to lance through his brain.
Ororo sat beside him, running a damp cloth over his brow and chest in slow easy strokes. When she had to turn his head to wet his neck and shoulders, she did so very gently and tried not to look at his scar there. It was bright red and inflamed, the center seeming to be filled with milk white pus that did not seem to want to burst. Every time she rested his head back to where it should be, he whimpered from the inertia he felt.
No one knew what had caused this sudden infection and sickness in Kurt. It had started with a simple flu, which they had treated with the proper medicine and rest. But no sooner had it started to go away then it flared up ten times worse, leaving Kurt bedridden and panting badly. Hank still couldn’t figure out what exactly was going on, despite all of the medicine and blood tests he performed.
Slowly Kurt opened his watery eyes, and Ororo seemed to have doubled and blurred up, even swirling in a faint circle in place. Panting and wheezing faintly, he forced his aching body to sit, swallowing down the urge to both vomit and howl as it felt like his feet and hands were filling up with acid. He looked into Ororo’s sky blue eyes with his own diseased yellow ones, crimson tears flowing freely.
“Kurt, you should lay down.” Ororo said softly. Kurt pushed his body to the breaking point as he leaned forward and rested his sweaty head in the crook of her neck, breathing in deeply of her scent of foreign spices.
“Hold me.” He whispered, his voice raw and hoarse, as he tasted blood in his mouth all ready. Ororo kept her hands away, biting her lower lip faintly as she looked at his dead tail.
“Kurt, if I touch you, you’ll feel pain again.” She said softly.
“Ororo, I’m in pain now.” Kurt pointed out. “Hold me. Tell me what is going on outside of this room. How is Scott doing?” Slowly, Ororo wrapped her arms around him, rocking slightly. She was right of course, as soon as her skin touched his, Kurt’s body erupted with fresh pain. He closed his eyes and let her rock him, ignoring the pain.
“Everyone’s worried about you, Kurt. Hank is trying his best to find a cure for you.” She said. “It’s fall and the leaves have all ready started to turn yellow and red, falling to the ground in giant piles.” She added, laughing faintly at the thought. Kurt smiled very slowly, hot blood flowing onto her shirt.
“Do the children play in it?” he asked, raising his eyebrows slightly.
“A few do.” Ororo said sadly. “Most of them are too worried about you to go out and have fun.”
“Tell them to go out and have fun for me.” He insisted. He tried to raise his head but he gave up. “Promise?”
“I promise.” Ororo nodded, stroking the back of his head gently.
“How is Scott?” Ororo’s hand stopped stroking his back at once. Kurt sighed softly, knowing the answer right away.
“Scott’s started to get sick like you.” Ororo said finally. She felt Kurt start to move and she turned her head, finding to her surprise their lips meeting together. His lips were cold and clammy, and she could taste his blood but she still loved it, having loved it for the five months since he first came here. When they parted, Kurt couldn’t help the shudder of pain that ran through his body.
“Kurt?”
“I feel really tired.” Kurt said, his eyes wandering the room. “I think I need to lay down and go to sleep.” As he spoke, Ororo watched in horror as his tail slowly shriveled up and disappeared finally. His indigo skin slowly turned pale white and his large fingers and toes split apart and turned into perfect human hands and feet.
“Oh Goddess…” she whispered. Kurt slowly fell back onto his soaked bed, his ebony hair sticking to his face. With a trembling hand, Ororo closed his beautiful amber eyes before she burst into tears, resting her head on his narrow chest.
Outside, the sky turned black and rain began to pour down harshly, the oceans starting to rage and thrash about to show the world Ororo’s sorrow.
In the medical room, Scott was starting to suffer from the same illness, his glasses shattering under the sudden intensity of his optic blasts.
Later, it would be known as the Legacy Virus.
Legacy
- Lauren
- Navigator
- Posts: 1452
- Joined: Sun Aug 03, 2003 7:07 pm
- Location: Nightcrawler's bedroom *shhh!*
Legacy
"I am known as Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Sicidabohertz Gombigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andri Charton-Haymoss Ivanovici Baldeus George Doitzel Kaiser III. Don't hesitate to call." -Vash the Stampede
"No, you see I'm blind in my right eye now... So boring. You know what really makes me pissy? Grunge, Heroine chic, and dying are over. I so hate being behind the curve. Tourism's up." Brett(Alan Cumming) from Urbania
"No, you see I'm blind in my right eye now... So boring. You know what really makes me pissy? Grunge, Heroine chic, and dying are over. I so hate being behind the curve. Tourism's up." Brett(Alan Cumming) from Urbania
Legacy
Lauren,
Just a quick note to say this has a lot of potential. The line is sound. There are several points that could be approached in a different, more effective manner. I'm working on a critique now to point out where you could improve it.
Just a quick note to say this has a lot of potential. The line is sound. There are several points that could be approached in a different, more effective manner. I'm working on a critique now to point out where you could improve it.
Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into the intake of a jet engine.....
- Lauren
- Navigator
- Posts: 1452
- Joined: Sun Aug 03, 2003 7:07 pm
- Location: Nightcrawler's bedroom *shhh!*
Legacy
Thanks:) I'll be waiting for the critique with pleasure:D
"I am known as Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Sicidabohertz Gombigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andri Charton-Haymoss Ivanovici Baldeus George Doitzel Kaiser III. Don't hesitate to call." -Vash the Stampede
"No, you see I'm blind in my right eye now... So boring. You know what really makes me pissy? Grunge, Heroine chic, and dying are over. I so hate being behind the curve. Tourism's up." Brett(Alan Cumming) from Urbania
"No, you see I'm blind in my right eye now... So boring. You know what really makes me pissy? Grunge, Heroine chic, and dying are over. I so hate being behind the curve. Tourism's up." Brett(Alan Cumming) from Urbania
Critique..... finished
Legacy
Pain. That was all Kurt could think about at the moment, the burning pain that flowed from the scar on the back of his neck to the rest of his body. He could barely open his mouth to eat let alone speak, his gums always starting to bleed when he tried either one. His tail was unmoving, unless you counted trembling as movement. (These last two sentences don't quite work right. Since gums aren't directly affected by jaw movements, there's not much of a reason for them to bleed when he talks. When he eats, and food scrapes against them, sure. If his gums are so paper-thin and brittle that just the incredibly slight rubbing of his cheek against them will open them up, mention it specifically. Also, trembling really is movement. I think what is meant here is that his tail won't respond to his attempts to move it; it just trembles on its own, without any control.)
If Stryker had known that his mind-controlling serum had an after effect that would cause such pain to mutants and would not be cured for years and years, he would have most likely died laughing. (This phrase would work great... if it wasn't for the fact that Stryker is dead already. Because of that, it sounds a little odd. How about something like, "If Stryker had survived to know that...."?)
Kurt lay in bed, the quilts thrown off savagely into the corner of the room. He lay there, in nothing but very light boxers, his scarred indigo skin drenched in feverish sweat that soaked through the sheets and mattress. He needed to shut his molten yellow eyes tightly, any kind of light or movement causing pain to lance through his brain. (The only problem with shutting your eyes tightly to block out light is that you'll get tired very fast. Also, if any movement causes him pain, "clenching" his eyelids like this is going to hurt more than just letting them shut on his own. If light really hurts him, it would be easier to have one of those "sleeping masks" over his face. Or, if he can't stand to have that much light pressure on his skin, keeping the room utterly dark would do better.) Ororo sat beside him, running a damp cloth over his brow and chest in slow easy strokes. When she had to turn his head to wet his neck and shoulders, she did so very gently and tried not to look at his scar there. It was bright red and inflamed, the center seeming to be filled with milk (use "milky" here) white pus that did not seem to want to burst. (This last statement is technically impossible. Pus itself does not burst. The blister the pus is contained in is what bursts.) Every time she rested his head back to where it should be, he whimpered from the inertia he felt. (This just doesn't sound right. Intertia isn't what hurts: it's movement. Also, considering how gentle she is with him, there wouldn't be any inertia when she sets his head down. Intertia is what you get from a sudden, often violent stop, as physics demands the movement keep following through somehow.)
No one knew what had caused this sudden infection and sickness in Kurt. It had started with a simple flu, which they had treated with the proper medicine and rest. But no sooner had it started to go away then it flared up ten times worse, leaving Kurt bedridden and panting badly. (Panting isnt a normal action in sickness, even in cases of high fever. This is something you need to call attention to, to let the reader know that *you* know it isn't usual.) Hank still couldn't figure out what exactly was going on, despite all of the medicine and blood tests he performed. (A couple things here: you don't "perform" medicine on someone: you "administer" it to them. Also, treating Kurt's symptoms certainly wouldn't give Hank any insight as to his condition. Treatment is only for healing, not diagnosis. How about "despite every diagnostic test he could perform", or something along those lines?)
Slowly Kurt opened his watery eyes, and Ororo seemed to have doubled and blurred up, even swirling in a faint circle in place. Panting and wheezing faintly, he forced his aching body to sit, swallowing down the urge to both vomit and howl as it felt like his feet and hands were filling up with acid. (You can either be nauseous enough to vomit, or have the strength to howl: considering that vomiting closes off your esophagus, making breathing and speech impossible, the two are mutually exclusive, so you can't have the urge to do both. ) He looked into Ororo's sky blue eyes with his own diseased yellow ones, crimson tears flowing freely. (Whoa! His tear ducts are bleeding? Very potent image! Ororo needs to react to this somehow. Either it's something that's been happening off and on, and she's trying to deal with it, or it's a new development, and she'll be horrified (even if she tries to hide it from Kurt). Give her a bit of screen time here. Let us into her mind. Let her bite her lip and turn away, or close her eyes and take a breath to steel herself.)
"Kurt, you should lay down" (use a comma here, instead of a period) Ororo said softly.
(new paragraph) Kurt pushed his body to the breaking point as he leaned forward and rested his sweaty head in the crook of her neck, breathing in deeply of her scent of foreign spices.
"Hold me" (comma, and lower case "he" ) He whispered, his voice raw and hoarse, as he tasted blood in his mouth all ready. (The term "already" indicates that not only has his gums bled before, but that they didn't bleed so quickly as now. That the process of them splitting open and bleeding has accellerated. From what you've said before, it isn't possible for his gums to bleed any faster, as the slightest movement does it. It would be best to remove the "all ready" statement entirely.)
(new paragraph) Ororo kept her hands away, biting her lower lip faintly as she looked at his dead tail. (A few things. One, Ororo's hands were on him the last description you gave, but by saying she's "keeping her hands away", it states that she's had her hands away from him for some time. You need to resolve this visual contradiction. How about saying she moved her hands away instead? Next, the term "faint" tends to lend itself to barely noticible scents, sounds, and images, not to actions. Try a different word here, something like gently. Finally, if the tail was truly dead, it wouldn't tremble. I think something like "unresponsive" would work better here, as that's actually what's going on.)
"Kurt, if I touch you, you'll feel pain again." (comma, and lower case "she" ) She said softly.
"Ororo, I'm in pain now" (comma) Kurt pointed out. "Hold me. Tell me what is going on outside of this room. How is Scott doing?"
(new paragraph) Slowly, Ororo wrapped her arms around him, rocking slightly. (Rocking him might not be the best idea. If she's that tentative about even touching him, she wouldn't dare move him. If you're looking for a soothing motion, something she'd do for her benefit as much as his, something like stroking his hair lightly would be better, as the hair doesn't have nerves.) She was right of course, (Run on sentence. Put a period here instead of a comma.) as soon as her skin touched his, Kurt's body erupted with fresh pain. He closed his eyes and let her rock him, ignoring the pain. (Ignoring pain is awful hard to do, but it is likely that he's just too tired to do anything about it. Pain is utterly exhausting. Or he may have grown inured to the pain, or even the pain of being isolated is emotionally worse than the physical pain of touch.)
"Everyone's worried about you, Kurt. Hank is trying his best to find a cure for you." (comma, and lower case "she" ) She said. "It's fall and the leaves have all ready started to turn yellow and red, falling to the ground in giant piles." (comma, and lower case "she" ) She added, laughing faintly at the thought.
(new paragraph) Kurt smiled very slowly, hot blood flowing onto her shirt. (Yeowch! For this to happen, he's got to be bleeding severely from someplace other than his gums or tear ducts! For blood to flow freely like this, it has to be from a major artery. According to the description you gave, he doesn't have anything like this. I think the image you're going for is that the blood isn't really "flowing" as much as it is just blotting onto and staining. Blood trickles from things like ears, lips, gums, or even tear ducts. It flows from slit wrists and sucking chest wounds.)
"Do the children play in it?" he asked, raising his eyebrows slightly. (The raising of the eyebrows doesn't sound like something he could do, much less without pain, if the slightest movement triggers agonizing, burning sensations. Each movement is going to be reserved. His lips will barely move when he talks. He won't blink very much. He won't want to do anything more to cause him pain.)
"A few do." (comma) Ororo said sadly. "Most of them are too worried about you to go out and have fun."
"Tell them to go out and have fun for me." (comma, and lower case "he" ) He insisted. He tried to raise his head but he gave up. "Promise?" (A little more information here. Did he give up raising his head because of the pain, or because he's too weak to do it?)
"I promise." Ororo nodded, stroking the back of his head gently. (This would work better if you placed "I promise." after the description.)
"How is Scott?" Ororo's hand stopped stroking his back at once. Kurt sighed softly, knowing the answer right away.
"Scott's started to get sick like you." (comma) Ororo said finally. She felt Kurt start to move and she turned her head, finding to her surprise their lips meeting together. His lips were cold and clammy, and she could taste his blood but she still loved it, having loved it for the five months since he first came here. (There are some problems with this scene, tender as it is. One, if Kurt's blood is warm, then his lips should be warm too. Second, and I know you didn't mean it this way, you've made it sound like Ororo loves the taste of his blood, and has loved it for five months. Since vampirism is surely the last thing on their minds, you need to remove this ambiguity. Make sure whe know "it" refers to the act of kissing, instead of the taste of his blood.) When they parted, Kurt couldn't help the shudder of pain that ran through his body.
"Kurt?"
"I feel really tired." (comma) Kurt said, his eyes wandering the room. (One hell of a virus to have his eyes pop out of his skull, grow legs, and wander around the room like this. I know what you meant, but it needs to be stated in another way. Maybe something like "His gaze unfocused and seemed to wander around the room"?) "I think I need to lay down and go to sleep."
(new paragraph) As he spoke, Ororo watched in horror as his tail slowly shriveled up and disappeared finally. (That tail of his is awful big to do this. It isn't plausible for any disease to utterly consume several pounds of blood, muscle, and bone in the space of a few seconds. How about this instead? Ororo looks down, sees that his tail has stopped twitching, looks a bit withered, and suddenly realizes that it has detatched at the base of Kurt's spine? His indigo skin slowly turned pale white and his large fingers and toes split apart and turned into perfect human hands and feet.
"Oh Goddess..." (comma) she whispered. Kurt slowly fell back onto his soaked bed, his ebony hair sticking to his face. With a trembling hand, Ororo closed his beautiful amber eyes before she burst into tears, resting her head on his narrow chest. (The "amber eyes" is a nice touch, but a narrow chest makes it sound like somehow someone squoze his ribcage. Narrow implies that it's unnaturally thin from the front, as oppose to the side. Slender would work better.)
Outside, the sky turned black and rain began to pour down harshly (It's hard for water to do anything "harshly". It has a constant state of fluid. Heavily would do better.), the oceans starting to rage and thrash about to show the world Ororo's sorrow. (Hold on: Westchester is a fair ways away from the Atlantic, not to mention the Pacific, the Indian, the Antarctic, the Arctic, and all the other oceans of the world. This is an increase in power that doesn't make any sense, even if she's in such grief. She can't affect the whole world, but this is what "the oceans" implies. It would make more sense to keep the range down to a 10 or 15 mile radius around the school. Having rain and wind scour the windows and thunder shake the walls is just as impressive to the reader as having oceans froth.)
In the medical room, Scott was starting to suffer from the same illness, his glasses shattering under the sudden intensity of his optic blasts. (Scott is already stated as suffering from this illness. I think you meant to say that his symptoms suddenly take a turn for the worse.)
Later, it would be known as the Legacy Virus.
Pain. That was all Kurt could think about at the moment, the burning pain that flowed from the scar on the back of his neck to the rest of his body. He could barely open his mouth to eat let alone speak, his gums always starting to bleed when he tried either one. His tail was unmoving, unless you counted trembling as movement. (These last two sentences don't quite work right. Since gums aren't directly affected by jaw movements, there's not much of a reason for them to bleed when he talks. When he eats, and food scrapes against them, sure. If his gums are so paper-thin and brittle that just the incredibly slight rubbing of his cheek against them will open them up, mention it specifically. Also, trembling really is movement. I think what is meant here is that his tail won't respond to his attempts to move it; it just trembles on its own, without any control.)
If Stryker had known that his mind-controlling serum had an after effect that would cause such pain to mutants and would not be cured for years and years, he would have most likely died laughing. (This phrase would work great... if it wasn't for the fact that Stryker is dead already. Because of that, it sounds a little odd. How about something like, "If Stryker had survived to know that...."?)
Kurt lay in bed, the quilts thrown off savagely into the corner of the room. He lay there, in nothing but very light boxers, his scarred indigo skin drenched in feverish sweat that soaked through the sheets and mattress. He needed to shut his molten yellow eyes tightly, any kind of light or movement causing pain to lance through his brain. (The only problem with shutting your eyes tightly to block out light is that you'll get tired very fast. Also, if any movement causes him pain, "clenching" his eyelids like this is going to hurt more than just letting them shut on his own. If light really hurts him, it would be easier to have one of those "sleeping masks" over his face. Or, if he can't stand to have that much light pressure on his skin, keeping the room utterly dark would do better.) Ororo sat beside him, running a damp cloth over his brow and chest in slow easy strokes. When she had to turn his head to wet his neck and shoulders, she did so very gently and tried not to look at his scar there. It was bright red and inflamed, the center seeming to be filled with milk (use "milky" here) white pus that did not seem to want to burst. (This last statement is technically impossible. Pus itself does not burst. The blister the pus is contained in is what bursts.) Every time she rested his head back to where it should be, he whimpered from the inertia he felt. (This just doesn't sound right. Intertia isn't what hurts: it's movement. Also, considering how gentle she is with him, there wouldn't be any inertia when she sets his head down. Intertia is what you get from a sudden, often violent stop, as physics demands the movement keep following through somehow.)
No one knew what had caused this sudden infection and sickness in Kurt. It had started with a simple flu, which they had treated with the proper medicine and rest. But no sooner had it started to go away then it flared up ten times worse, leaving Kurt bedridden and panting badly. (Panting isnt a normal action in sickness, even in cases of high fever. This is something you need to call attention to, to let the reader know that *you* know it isn't usual.) Hank still couldn't figure out what exactly was going on, despite all of the medicine and blood tests he performed. (A couple things here: you don't "perform" medicine on someone: you "administer" it to them. Also, treating Kurt's symptoms certainly wouldn't give Hank any insight as to his condition. Treatment is only for healing, not diagnosis. How about "despite every diagnostic test he could perform", or something along those lines?)
Slowly Kurt opened his watery eyes, and Ororo seemed to have doubled and blurred up, even swirling in a faint circle in place. Panting and wheezing faintly, he forced his aching body to sit, swallowing down the urge to both vomit and howl as it felt like his feet and hands were filling up with acid. (You can either be nauseous enough to vomit, or have the strength to howl: considering that vomiting closes off your esophagus, making breathing and speech impossible, the two are mutually exclusive, so you can't have the urge to do both. ) He looked into Ororo's sky blue eyes with his own diseased yellow ones, crimson tears flowing freely. (Whoa! His tear ducts are bleeding? Very potent image! Ororo needs to react to this somehow. Either it's something that's been happening off and on, and she's trying to deal with it, or it's a new development, and she'll be horrified (even if she tries to hide it from Kurt). Give her a bit of screen time here. Let us into her mind. Let her bite her lip and turn away, or close her eyes and take a breath to steel herself.)
"Kurt, you should lay down" (use a comma here, instead of a period) Ororo said softly.
(new paragraph) Kurt pushed his body to the breaking point as he leaned forward and rested his sweaty head in the crook of her neck, breathing in deeply of her scent of foreign spices.
"Hold me" (comma, and lower case "he" ) He whispered, his voice raw and hoarse, as he tasted blood in his mouth all ready. (The term "already" indicates that not only has his gums bled before, but that they didn't bleed so quickly as now. That the process of them splitting open and bleeding has accellerated. From what you've said before, it isn't possible for his gums to bleed any faster, as the slightest movement does it. It would be best to remove the "all ready" statement entirely.)
(new paragraph) Ororo kept her hands away, biting her lower lip faintly as she looked at his dead tail. (A few things. One, Ororo's hands were on him the last description you gave, but by saying she's "keeping her hands away", it states that she's had her hands away from him for some time. You need to resolve this visual contradiction. How about saying she moved her hands away instead? Next, the term "faint" tends to lend itself to barely noticible scents, sounds, and images, not to actions. Try a different word here, something like gently. Finally, if the tail was truly dead, it wouldn't tremble. I think something like "unresponsive" would work better here, as that's actually what's going on.)
"Kurt, if I touch you, you'll feel pain again." (comma, and lower case "she" ) She said softly.
"Ororo, I'm in pain now" (comma) Kurt pointed out. "Hold me. Tell me what is going on outside of this room. How is Scott doing?"
(new paragraph) Slowly, Ororo wrapped her arms around him, rocking slightly. (Rocking him might not be the best idea. If she's that tentative about even touching him, she wouldn't dare move him. If you're looking for a soothing motion, something she'd do for her benefit as much as his, something like stroking his hair lightly would be better, as the hair doesn't have nerves.) She was right of course, (Run on sentence. Put a period here instead of a comma.) as soon as her skin touched his, Kurt's body erupted with fresh pain. He closed his eyes and let her rock him, ignoring the pain. (Ignoring pain is awful hard to do, but it is likely that he's just too tired to do anything about it. Pain is utterly exhausting. Or he may have grown inured to the pain, or even the pain of being isolated is emotionally worse than the physical pain of touch.)
"Everyone's worried about you, Kurt. Hank is trying his best to find a cure for you." (comma, and lower case "she" ) She said. "It's fall and the leaves have all ready started to turn yellow and red, falling to the ground in giant piles." (comma, and lower case "she" ) She added, laughing faintly at the thought.
(new paragraph) Kurt smiled very slowly, hot blood flowing onto her shirt. (Yeowch! For this to happen, he's got to be bleeding severely from someplace other than his gums or tear ducts! For blood to flow freely like this, it has to be from a major artery. According to the description you gave, he doesn't have anything like this. I think the image you're going for is that the blood isn't really "flowing" as much as it is just blotting onto and staining. Blood trickles from things like ears, lips, gums, or even tear ducts. It flows from slit wrists and sucking chest wounds.)
"Do the children play in it?" he asked, raising his eyebrows slightly. (The raising of the eyebrows doesn't sound like something he could do, much less without pain, if the slightest movement triggers agonizing, burning sensations. Each movement is going to be reserved. His lips will barely move when he talks. He won't blink very much. He won't want to do anything more to cause him pain.)
"A few do." (comma) Ororo said sadly. "Most of them are too worried about you to go out and have fun."
"Tell them to go out and have fun for me." (comma, and lower case "he" ) He insisted. He tried to raise his head but he gave up. "Promise?" (A little more information here. Did he give up raising his head because of the pain, or because he's too weak to do it?)
"I promise." Ororo nodded, stroking the back of his head gently. (This would work better if you placed "I promise." after the description.)
"How is Scott?" Ororo's hand stopped stroking his back at once. Kurt sighed softly, knowing the answer right away.
"Scott's started to get sick like you." (comma) Ororo said finally. She felt Kurt start to move and she turned her head, finding to her surprise their lips meeting together. His lips were cold and clammy, and she could taste his blood but she still loved it, having loved it for the five months since he first came here. (There are some problems with this scene, tender as it is. One, if Kurt's blood is warm, then his lips should be warm too. Second, and I know you didn't mean it this way, you've made it sound like Ororo loves the taste of his blood, and has loved it for five months. Since vampirism is surely the last thing on their minds, you need to remove this ambiguity. Make sure whe know "it" refers to the act of kissing, instead of the taste of his blood.) When they parted, Kurt couldn't help the shudder of pain that ran through his body.
"Kurt?"
"I feel really tired." (comma) Kurt said, his eyes wandering the room. (One hell of a virus to have his eyes pop out of his skull, grow legs, and wander around the room like this. I know what you meant, but it needs to be stated in another way. Maybe something like "His gaze unfocused and seemed to wander around the room"?) "I think I need to lay down and go to sleep."
(new paragraph) As he spoke, Ororo watched in horror as his tail slowly shriveled up and disappeared finally. (That tail of his is awful big to do this. It isn't plausible for any disease to utterly consume several pounds of blood, muscle, and bone in the space of a few seconds. How about this instead? Ororo looks down, sees that his tail has stopped twitching, looks a bit withered, and suddenly realizes that it has detatched at the base of Kurt's spine? His indigo skin slowly turned pale white and his large fingers and toes split apart and turned into perfect human hands and feet.
"Oh Goddess..." (comma) she whispered. Kurt slowly fell back onto his soaked bed, his ebony hair sticking to his face. With a trembling hand, Ororo closed his beautiful amber eyes before she burst into tears, resting her head on his narrow chest. (The "amber eyes" is a nice touch, but a narrow chest makes it sound like somehow someone squoze his ribcage. Narrow implies that it's unnaturally thin from the front, as oppose to the side. Slender would work better.)
Outside, the sky turned black and rain began to pour down harshly (It's hard for water to do anything "harshly". It has a constant state of fluid. Heavily would do better.), the oceans starting to rage and thrash about to show the world Ororo's sorrow. (Hold on: Westchester is a fair ways away from the Atlantic, not to mention the Pacific, the Indian, the Antarctic, the Arctic, and all the other oceans of the world. This is an increase in power that doesn't make any sense, even if she's in such grief. She can't affect the whole world, but this is what "the oceans" implies. It would make more sense to keep the range down to a 10 or 15 mile radius around the school. Having rain and wind scour the windows and thunder shake the walls is just as impressive to the reader as having oceans froth.)
In the medical room, Scott was starting to suffer from the same illness, his glasses shattering under the sudden intensity of his optic blasts. (Scott is already stated as suffering from this illness. I think you meant to say that his symptoms suddenly take a turn for the worse.)
Later, it would be known as the Legacy Virus.
Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into the intake of a jet engine.....
- Lauren
- Navigator
- Posts: 1452
- Joined: Sun Aug 03, 2003 7:07 pm
- Location: Nightcrawler's bedroom *shhh!*
Legacy
Wow...I had no idea I had that many mistakes:surprise Thank you for pointing them all out for me! *Starts to fix mess ups right there*
"I am known as Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Sicidabohertz Gombigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andri Charton-Haymoss Ivanovici Baldeus George Doitzel Kaiser III. Don't hesitate to call." -Vash the Stampede
"No, you see I'm blind in my right eye now... So boring. You know what really makes me pissy? Grunge, Heroine chic, and dying are over. I so hate being behind the curve. Tourism's up." Brett(Alan Cumming) from Urbania
"No, you see I'm blind in my right eye now... So boring. You know what really makes me pissy? Grunge, Heroine chic, and dying are over. I so hate being behind the curve. Tourism's up." Brett(Alan Cumming) from Urbania
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- Bilge Rat
- Posts: 86
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- Location: On Icy Mountains of Norway Hiding from Polar Bears
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Legacy
You shoud not do al those changes. Remember, as a writer you are alowd to bend the rules a little. OK, I can agree with many of them, but the one with the tail not being alowd to disepear? I se no problem with it youst perishing.
It was a great story.
It was a great story.
Please visit my art side: http://the-shadowcat.deviantart.com/
I apolagise for my spelling mistakes.
English being my second language + dyslexsia = lotts of them XD
I apolagise for my spelling mistakes.
English being my second language + dyslexsia = lotts of them XD
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- Bilge Rat
- Posts: 59
- Joined: Sat Aug 02, 2003 12:29 am
- Location: Right behind you with a knife
Legacy
I must admit, at first I was not expecting to like this (sorry, pain angst fics annoy me for some reason). However, it was quite good. The image that really stood out for me was when Kurt was asking about everyone else even in his last moments. This was vivid, touching and really stayed true to Kurt. Now for the nit-picks, I'll try to keep away from stuff Maelstrom mentioned.
Some of your word placement or word choice disturb the flow of your work and lessen it's impact.
Ex: It was bright red and inflamed, the center seeming to be filled with milk white pus that did not seem to want to burst.
Seeming appears out of place. I think that the sentence would flow better if writen like this. (Think it's called active voice but I could be wrong).
It was bright red and inflamed, it's center filled with a milky white pus that did not want to burst. (forgetting Maelstrom's comment about pus).
Ex: He needed to shut his molten yellow eyes tightly, any kind of light or movement causing pain to lance through his brain.
I don't think lance can be used that way. Perhaps lace might work. Also causing doesn't roll off the tongue too well. --
.... any kind of light or movement would cause pain to lace through his brain.
Ex: It had started with a simple flu, which they had treated with the proper medicine and rest.
The second had isn't necessary.
Ex: But no sooner had it started to go away then it flared up ten times worse, leaving Kurt bedridden and panting badly.
This just hit me funny. Then isn't quite the right word, I believe when would suffice. Also, panting badly sounds wierd.
But no sooner had it started to go away when it flared up ten times worse, leaving Kurt bedridden and panting heavily.
Ex: Kurt pushed his body to the breaking point as he leaned forward and rested his sweaty head in the crook of her neck, breathing in deeply of her scent of foreign spices.
breathing in deeply of her scent of...sounds a bit wordy.
...breathing in deeply the scent of her foreign spices.
This is some really nitpicky stuff, however I believe that it will help your writing. But, keep it up, you're doing great.
Some of your word placement or word choice disturb the flow of your work and lessen it's impact.
Ex: It was bright red and inflamed, the center seeming to be filled with milk white pus that did not seem to want to burst.
Seeming appears out of place. I think that the sentence would flow better if writen like this. (Think it's called active voice but I could be wrong).
It was bright red and inflamed, it's center filled with a milky white pus that did not want to burst. (forgetting Maelstrom's comment about pus).
Ex: He needed to shut his molten yellow eyes tightly, any kind of light or movement causing pain to lance through his brain.
I don't think lance can be used that way. Perhaps lace might work. Also causing doesn't roll off the tongue too well. --
.... any kind of light or movement would cause pain to lace through his brain.
Ex: It had started with a simple flu, which they had treated with the proper medicine and rest.
The second had isn't necessary.
Ex: But no sooner had it started to go away then it flared up ten times worse, leaving Kurt bedridden and panting badly.
This just hit me funny. Then isn't quite the right word, I believe when would suffice. Also, panting badly sounds wierd.
But no sooner had it started to go away when it flared up ten times worse, leaving Kurt bedridden and panting heavily.
Ex: Kurt pushed his body to the breaking point as he leaned forward and rested his sweaty head in the crook of her neck, breathing in deeply of her scent of foreign spices.
breathing in deeply of her scent of...sounds a bit wordy.
...breathing in deeply the scent of her foreign spices.
This is some really nitpicky stuff, however I believe that it will help your writing. But, keep it up, you're doing great.
Yes, i know malicious is spelled with another I. It is my protest agaisn't my smarter half. Him with all his knowing and stuff. Wow...shiny....
Legacy
These aren't demands of changing the fic, Zuno, they're just what they sound like: constructive criticism. People post stuff here to help themselves. Can't handle the critiques, then don't post.Originally posted by Zuno
You shoud not do al those changes. Remember, as a writer you are alowd to bend the rules a little. OK, I can agree with many of them, but the one with the tail not being alowd to disepear? I se no problem with it youst perishing.
It was a great story.
Ok...Lauren?
Lovely!
I'd follow Mael's advice, seeing as she's a wonderful...er...advice-giver ((word?!)), and a top-notch writer. I see alot of potential for this fic, with just a little help to get it there.
~Siona
You cannot stop me. You cannot destroy me. For I am the cockroach of looove.
"Ah, young love. Stupid pencils."
-- SheCat.
"Ah, young love. Stupid pencils."
-- SheCat.
- Lauren
- Navigator
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- Joined: Sun Aug 03, 2003 7:07 pm
- Location: Nightcrawler's bedroom *shhh!*
Legacy
awww I feel all warm and squishy inside:LOL I'm working on the re-write and soon it will be out for general public commentry! Yay:D
"I am known as Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Sicidabohertz Gombigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andri Charton-Haymoss Ivanovici Baldeus George Doitzel Kaiser III. Don't hesitate to call." -Vash the Stampede
"No, you see I'm blind in my right eye now... So boring. You know what really makes me pissy? Grunge, Heroine chic, and dying are over. I so hate being behind the curve. Tourism's up." Brett(Alan Cumming) from Urbania
"No, you see I'm blind in my right eye now... So boring. You know what really makes me pissy? Grunge, Heroine chic, and dying are over. I so hate being behind the curve. Tourism's up." Brett(Alan Cumming) from Urbania