Even Angels have Scars -- Complete

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Saint Kurt
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Truth, Lies, Tears, and Laughter part 1

Post by Saint Kurt »

"You people sure know how to make an entrance."




Kurt opened his eyes very slowly. He felt horrible, almost like he had on the boat across the channel, maybe even worse. He ached everywhere, but a careful inventory told him he was intact, lying curled up on top of his coat under a large oak tree. He mustered the energy to sit up and looked around.

He had expected to see the cluster of trailers and old cars that belonged to Martuska and her family but the clearing was empty. There was no sign of anyone ever having lived there. Kurt stretched and without thinking, rubbed at an itch on his face. He could feel raised ridges that hadn't been there before and for a moment he was confused. Then he remembered the symbols; they were on his face now.

Kurt ran his hands over his skin more gently this time, trying to use his sense of touch to picture in his mind what it looked like. He wasn't sure what he had expected it to be, but this was more than he had anticipated; they were everywhere, as numerous as the tattoos on Kiwi's face. Kurt could feel them on his forehead, cheeks, and chin. There were even marks along the bridge of his nose. Kurt shook his head. Had he really done this to his own face? As Martuska had promised, he couldn't remember anything. He wasn't even sure where he was.
.
Kurt dropped his hands from his face with a sigh and his breath caught in his throat. There were marks on them as well. Kurt stared at them, tracing one finger gently along the fine lines of scab that had formed after the blood had clotted. No wonder his face itched. Slowly Kurt pushed up his sleeves. There were markings on his arms too. And on his legs. And on his chest. They were everywhere.

Kurt was instantly horrified. Martuska had said they would represent the concealment of a lifetime of sins, past, present, and future. But there were so many. It was hard to imagine how there could be that many. From the looks of it, he wasn't going to lead a very good life. And had it worked? Was he really hidden from Azazel now?

There was no way to know of course. Only time would tell for sure.

Kurt stood up feeling slightly dizzy. He put a hand out to the thick trunk of the oak tree to steady himself as he looked around once more.

"Martuska?" Kurt meant to yell, but his voice came out as a hoarse croak, like he hadn't spoken in a very long time. How long, he wondered. How long had it been since Martuska had rendered him unconscious? He shook his head as though he could shake of the memory of Franco holding him down while he screamed for them to stop.

Kurt cleared his throat and called her name once more, but there was no answer. Martuska was gone. He was alone. Kurt sank back down to the ground and wiped hot tears away from his eyes. It seemed that even in his efforts to free himself of Azazel's influence, he was forsaken yet again. He was lost in the woods and to make things worse he was now covered with strange symbols carved directly into his skin. It was just another thing to set him apart, to make him different. Another thing for people to stare at.

Kurt shivered and he slowly pulled his coat from the ground to wrap around his shoulders. He slumped against the tree, wondering what to do. Tears that he hadn't bothered to wipe dripped onto his coat, forming beads in the wool. The dilemma he'd thought he'd had at after Franco's capture was real now. He really was lost and with no way to find either the circus or Father Dietrich.

Kurt thought about giving up, about living in the woods for the rest of his life. He was sure he'd get used to it. He'd probably even make a decent hunter, with his tail and his sharp teeth. Maybe this was his destiny, to be a weird scarred mad beast in the woods? To be neither animal nor man.

No.

Kurt shook his head, once again trying to physically rid his mind of the image of himself gone feral in these woods. That was not what he wanted. He wanted his family and his friends. He wanted to find the circus. He wanted to go home.

Kurt heaved himself to his feet and pushed his hands through the sleeves of his coat. He found his battered rucksack leaning against a nearby tree. He settled the straps on his shoulders and set his jaw in a grimace of determination. He would find his way out of this. He had to. But first he needed to find his way out of the woods.



An hour later Kurt was exhausted. Too tired to stay on his feet he dropped to his hands and knees on the concrete, his rucksack pitching forward and dumping its contents onto the road in front of him. He had been teleporting continuously since he'd found the road at the edge of the woods, following it by making a series of jumps to the horizon, each time finding a vantage point where he could see as far ahead of him as possible.

But he couldn't go on forever. He was spent, too tired to teleport again even as he tried to. His whole body was trembling and damp with sweat. The strange dizziness he'd felt underneath the tree was ten fold now. Kurt shut his eyes and slumped further forward so that his head was resting on the warm concrete. He lay like that for several minutes and was starting to drift off when the sound of a blaring truck horn woke him.

Kurt picked himself up, registering for the first time that he was in the middle of the road. His brain working faster than his body, Kurt slowly stood up. He could barely find the strength to stuff his few possessions back in his bag before staggering off to side of the road where he'd be hidden in the shadows of the trees. He felt the rush of wind as the truck thundered past, still blaring its horn. He was too tired to think about how close it'd been.

He napped in the shade, but his sleep was disturbed by strange dreams, their fleeting images already forgotten when he woke. Still, it was better than nothing and when he stepped back out on the road, he found he had enough energy to continue his journey.

It was nearly another hour before Kurt saw anything but farms. The landscape was a patchwork of fields broken up by the low stone walls and rows of poplar trees that were a staple of European agriculture. He could have been anywhere in Europe and without a familiar landmark or even a roadsign, he had no way of knowing where he was. The first thing that Kurt saw that wasn't a farm looked like a fenced in fairground off in the distance.

It was only a few hops before he was standing outside the gates. Stretched across them read the legend: "Champ de Foire Régional et Marché du Fermier". "Regional Fairground and Farmer's Market". He was in France. How had he gotten to France? Just as the horror of just how long he'd been unconscious and at the mercy of Martuska was beginning to dawn on him, a familiar face caught Kurt's eye. He recognized the posters plastered onto the wooden fence.

"Limited Engagement. Les Chansons de la Forêt. Circus Gehlhaar."

It seemed too unbelievable, but he was looking at himself, poised on the bar of a swinging trapeze in Wolfgang's familiar swirling oils, repeated over and over again. These were the posters Wolfgang had made, before they had changed the show so that he was no longer in it. Kurt looked down and saw a stack of the posters sitting loose with a rock on top of them to keep them from blowing away. With shaking hands he slid one from the pile.

Could it be that he had found his way home? Kurt dropped to his knees in a combination of fatigue and gratitude but then a horrible thought struck him. What if they had already played there? What if they were gone already? What if he'd missed his chance?

"Excusez-moi! Vous là! Que faites-vous?" A woman's voice said.

Kurt jumped to his feet and turned around only to see an old woman who screamed and then took off in the other direction, yelling in incomprehensible French.

He sighed. It was so typical, but he was too tired to care. He stared down at the poster where the dates had been written in by hand. The information was useless though since he had no idea what day it was. He would have to ask. Still looking down at the poster and fighting the urge to simply curl up on the ground and sleep, Kurt pushed open the gate to the fairground and started towards a small building that looked like an office.

Kurt had been teleporting steadily since the incident with the truck and crossing the yard seemed like a nearly impossible task. Even keeping his tail aloft was too much work so let it drag on ground behind him as he made slow progress over the uneven ground. He was nearly there when a man burst from the building.

"What are you? What are you doing here?" The man demanded in French.

Too exhausted to speak, with shaking hands, Kurt held the poster out in front of himself like shield, hoping the man would understand.





Wolfgang pulled the trailer to a stop inside the gate and cut the ignition. He turned to say something but Maria was out of her seat and out the door before he could open his mouth. Wolfgang sighed and gathered up his paperwork from the back before exiting out the side door to follow her.

It was obvious from Maria's stiff legged gait that she was angry and so the rest of Circus Gehlhaar cut her a wide margin, except for Wolfgang who trotted behind her calling her name.

"Maria! Maria, how long are you going to be mad at me? You've been giving me the silent treatment since Spain," he said as he caught up.

Maria stopped and turned on one heel. "Germany," she said and started walking again.

"Germany? Germany! But we're in France now?" Wolfgang said. "We won't be in Germany for another two weeks. You can't stay mad at me that long!" He trotted after her again and caught her arm. Maria yanked it out of his grasp.

"Leave me alone or it will be Italy." She said.

"We're not going to Italy."

"Exactly." Maria crossed her arms over her chest.

Wolfgang sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "Would you be less mad if I told you I was on edge because I'm worried about Kurt?" he asked.

"No, Kurt's been missing for two weeks." Maria said.

"All the more reason to be worried."

"But you only started acting like an asshole yesterday." Maria finished.

"Yesterday?" Wolfgang asked, confused. "What did I do yesterday?"

"It's not Father Dietrich's fault that Kurt got lost." Maria said.

Wolfgang threw up his hands. "Is that it? Because I got pissed at him on the phone? I thought you were angry because I was wrong about that turn you wanted to take and the one I took got us all lost."

"That too." Maria said. "If you'd looked at the map like I said instead of being all high and mighty about it. And you didn't need to pull the attitude with Father Dietrich either. It's not his fault."

"It's not?" Wolfgang asked. "Last I remembered Father Dietrich promised to look after him. I'd say that makes it his responsibility."

"What is he supposed to do?" Maria argued back. "He's a priest, not a detective."

Wolfgang threw up his hands. "How else do you expect me to find him? It's not like I put up signs all over Europe that say 'Lost: Blue circus acrobat. Reward if found.' As if I don't have enough to do."

"Why is it always about you?" Maria started to say, but stopped abruptly as an elderly man with stooped shoulders approached them.

"Êtes-vous du cirque?" the man asked.

Maria turned to Wolfgang expectantly with arms crossed over her chest. He was the big master linguist, not her. Wolfgang nodded. "Oui. Circus Gehlhaar. Nous serons ici pour les deux semaines suivantes."

"You people sure know how to make an entrance." The man said to Wolfgang. Wolfgang looked back at their colorful trucks and laughed.

"I guess we do." He agreed. He tried to give Maria an apologetic glance as the three of them started walking towards the office for the small fairground. She looked away.

"Yes. You do. It was the craziest thing I'd ever seen. Scared the hell out of my wife." The man continued.

Wolfgang furrowed his brow. "It did? What do you mean?" he asked. Evidently the man wasn't talking about their trucks.

"I've never seen anything like it, except on your posters of course." Said the man. He opened the office door and ushered them inside.

"Our posters?"

By now Wolfgang was mystified. He gave a confused glance at Maria who was straining catch the gist of the conversation, their argument forgotten for the moment as she registered Wolfgang's confusion.

"Didn't say much. I think he's sick." The man said.

"What?" Wolfgang said. "Who…"

"Kurt!" Maria shouted.

The office was small and homey with a small desk and a few tattered looking armchairs. Sitting in one of the chairs was a dark figure that was unmistakably Kurt Wagner. Wolfgang opened his mouth in shock.

"So he's with you?" The man said, "That's what I thought."

"Yeah, we know him," Wolfgang said in a daze. How on earth had Kurt gotten to France? "He's with us," Wolfgang repeated.

Maria crossed the room and knelt down beside where Kurt was sitting. Getting over his initial shock of seeing him there, Wolfgang realized that Kurt hadn't moved or even acknowledged their arrival. He was sitting with his head down and wrapped up in his old hooded coat, the same one that he had been wearing when they saw him off in Brighton except that now it was tattered and mud stained. He looked terrible, like he'd been wandering around for those weeks that he'd been missing.

"Kurt? Kurt, are you alright?" Wolfgang asked as he took up a spot besides Maria. Up close he could see that Kurt was shaking, his eyes half closed, and it reminded him of how Kurt had looked after teleporting with him for the first time. But there was something else too. The fine fur that covered Kurt's skin was matted with blood. At first Wolfgang thought that Kurt had scratched himself on tree branches or something like that, but on closer inspection he could see fine lines had been cut into his skin. They were symmetrical, deliberate.

"What happened to you?" Wolfgang asked, his voice almost a whisper. He tentatively reached out a hand to trace the lines along Kurt's cheek.

Kurt opened his eyes slowly, looking at them feverishly, without a spark of recognition. "I'm early," he said, "but the circus is coming."

"Yeah. We're here, Kurt," Wolfgang said. His voice was still soft as he pushed a lock of stray hair way from Kurt's face. "The circus is here." He looked over at Maria. She'd wrapped her hands Kurt's trembling ones. She returned Wolfgang's glance, echoing the same confusion he felt.

"He must have teleported here. I think it's hard for him sometimes, takes him a while to recover, like if he goes a long distance or takes something heavy with him." Wolfgang said to Maria, ignoring the elderly couple behind him. Hopefully they didn't speak German.

"What about these?" Maria asked, tracing a finger along the one of the cuts on Kurt's hand. He flinched and pulled away.

Wolfgang shook his head. "I don't know. Can you find Margali?"

Maria nodded and left quickly.

"He's been missing for two weeks." Wolfgang told the old man before turning his attention back to Kurt. He watched Kurt shut his eyes again, slumping further down into the chair, still trembling. "What's the matter Elf?" He asked Kurt in German. " Did you try to teleport too far? Who did this to you?"

"So tired," Kurt said, not bothering to lift his head.

"Hang in there okay. In a little while you'll be able to rest in your trailer." Wolfgang said.

"He showed up out of nowhere about 10 minutes ago." The man said. "Right outside the gate."

Wolfgang looked at Kurt's hands, trying to hold them in his own to keep them from shaking but he was distracted by the markings on them. They were like the ones on Kurt's face, carved into his skin all the way up his wrist and arm. Who would do such a thing? He shook his head again.

The door opened, causing everyone but Kurt to turn their heads. Maria had returned with Margali. Wolfgang moved aside. He wasn't sure how Margali would react; she had been so distant with Kurt before he left Brighton. But so had he to be honest. It was like every time he saw Kurt it was a reminder of how he had let him down, he saw his friend lying bleeding in that ditch below the pier. Looking at Kurt made Wolfgang feel like a failure. And so he had avoided him, even when he knew it wasn't fair. But seeing Kurt now made Wolfgang feel even worse. He should have done something. He should have been looking for Kurt after Father Dietrich's first call, when Kurt had only been gone for a few hours. Or perhaps he should never have let Kurt go with the priest in the first place, should have never pawned Circus Gehlhaar's problems off another person, no matter how willing they were to help.

But he hadn't done any of that. He'd let Kurt go to Germany. And then he'd left it to Kurt to find them.

And somehow, Kurt had. But at what cost?

Wolfgang turned and saw that Margali was also curious about the markings that had been cut into Kurt's skin, maybe even more curious than he had been. She looked the patterns over with a look of silent concentration as though she were reading him. Finally she laid a hand gently on his forehead and slowly stroked his hair back in a comforting gesture.

"You did it. You found us." She told Kurt, but his eyes were shut tight and if he heard her, he made no indication.

Margali turned to Wolfgang. "He's very sick, but he'll be fine," she announced. "He needs to rest, that's all."

"But what about all these cuts?" Wolfgang asked, forgetting where he was, that they were being watched. "Have you even seen anything like them? Who would do such a thing?"

Margali shook her head. "They mean nothing."


Kurt opened his eyes. He was still so tired. Was this Martuska's doing? She had said that the symbols cut into his skin would "negate" sin, but what if they affected him in other ways too. She had spoken of mystical life forces intertwining with nature, the kind of things he didn't really believe in. But what if they were real? What if she had somehow cut him off from his and now he was destined to wither away to nothing. What kind of life was that?

Kurt gasped. He wasn't sure how it was possible, but Margali was standing in front of him. She didn't know. She didn't know what he'd done, what Martuska had made him do.

"No!" Kurt tried to push her hand away.

Margali stepped back in surprise as Kurt jumped to his feet. Margali still thought he was responsible for pushing her from The Way, still thought he'd tried to kill her, and he was in no condition to explain things. He needed to rest, to gather his strength if he could. He had to find someone who would protect him until he was ready.

Margali reached out and put her hand on Kurt's shoulder. "It's alright," she said. "You're safe."

Kurt shook his head and grabbed hold of her arm. The room was spinning worse than before, darkness closing in on the corners of his vision. He was losing consciousness; it was the same as it had been beside Martuska's fire. Margali was responsible. She had to be. Kurt struggled to stay on his feet but he knew he was swaying.

"Please don't hurt me. I can explain everything," was all he managed before consciousness left him entirely.

Amanda and Christian came through the door in time to see Kurt swoon to the floor, still grabbing on to Margali's arm.

"Dude, is that Kurt? What's he doing here?" Christian was so surprised he actually said it in English. He didn't bother to repeat himself. As far as he knew, Kurt was still in Germany, staying with Father Dietrich.

Wolfgang dropped to his knees next to Margali who arranged herself so that Kurt's head was resting on her lap. He was nearly overwhelmed by déjà vu. It was so much like the night he'd found Kurt under the pier, and yet so different he reminded himself. This time they had not been looking for Kurt. This time Kurt had found them.

"Christian, can you bring Magali's trailer around?" Wolfgang asked as he stood up.

"What? I don't get it. What happened? How did Kurt get to France?" Christian asked.

"I'll explain everything later," Wolfgang said. He looked panicked, almost desperate. "I don't want people to see him like this."

Christian shook his head. "Explain it now," he said crossing his arms over his chest. He didn't like this, didn't like secrets. Wolfgang obviously knew something he didn't. Margali and Amanda were both sitting beside Kurt engaged in an intense whispered conversation that he couldn't quite hear.

Wolfgang looked back at Maria who shrugged. Then he explained to Christian the events of the last two weeks, starting with the call from Father Dietrich who told him that Kurt had wandered off alone on some kind of personal errand and ending with his mysterious appearance in the office of their next venue, apparently just a few minutes before the circus pulled up.

"You didn't tell us? Kurt was missing and you didn't tell us?" Christian asked in disbelief. "How could you not tell us?"

"I didn't want people to worry." Wolfgang said, running his hands through his hair and smoothing it back. "I didn't know what to say. Not while everything was up in the air. I didn't want to tell people until there was some real news."

The truth was that he was afraid of what would have happened. Traveling these last few months without him, Wolfgang had come to realize that within Kurt existed the heart and soul of Circus Gehlhaar and that they were incomplete without him. Sure, they performed each night, and the performances were jaw dropping as always, but there was a spark missing. They were going through the motions of being Circus Gehlhaar, it was a facsimile. And when Wolfgang exhausted all the possibilities, he realized that the only thing truly missing was Kurt. He wasn't sure what telling them that Kurt was off on his own lost in the wilds of Europe would do to them. He didn't know what this would do to them.

"You could have told us the truth." Christian said.

"No, I couldn't have." Wolfgang said. "What would you have done?"

"I…" Christian paused. He would have wanted to go look for him of course.

"Would you have wanted to perform?" Wolfgang asked.

"Of course not." Christian said.

"Would anyone have wanted to?"

Christian shook his head. He doubted it.

"That's why I didn't say anything. But he's back now; it doesn't matter. Please, get the van." Wolfgang said, his voice practically pleading.

"You're an asshole." Christian said, shaking his head.

"No, I'm trying to run a business. And do what's best for the circus." Wolfgang said matter-of-factly. But in his heart he agreed with Christian. It was the kind of thing his father would have done. He was an asshole. He'd been an asshole ever since Brighton and he hated it.

"Do what he says Christian."

It was Margali's voice. Christian looked down at her. She had Kurt's head cradled in her lap. He looked bad, sick, but not as bad as it had been in England. Knitting his brows, Christian looked back again at Wolfgang, still not sure what to do.

"He'll be all right. Do what Wolfgang asks." Margali said. "He found his way back to us. Everything is going to be all right now."

Something about the way Margali said it was comforting. Like she knew what she'd said for a fact. Christian nodded his head.

"Okay," he said, "I'll be back with the trailer."
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Even Angels have Scars -- Complete

Post by Nandireya »

Poor Kurti...poor, poor Kurti...

So how much is left before the even more angsty abduction and manipulation by Stryker?
:read The Librarian ~ Keeper of Elfin Facts :read

:bamf I'm sick of my subconscious...it's like it's got a mind of its own... :bamf

:D A Touch Of Velvet :D
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Even Angels have Scars -- Complete

Post by CurlyyHairGirl »

:cry

That was absolutely heartbreaking.

When I read this line>>> "Limited Engagement. Les Chansons de la Forêt. Circus Gehlhaar." <<< I shivered and screeched for five minutes before I could sit back down and read it, I got so excited for Kurt.
God I hope Margali and Amanda don't stay mad, that would kill me.

If I were Christian, I would prob'ly have socked Wolfgang...but he did have his reasons for being an a-hole.


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Even Angels have Scars -- Complete

Post by ElfSpam »

:surprise I've gotta hand it to you; you certainly know how to keep a reader interested!
I love every word of this story, and I'm dying to see what happens next!!
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Even Angels have Scars -- Complete

Post by Saint Kurt »

It's my birthday and because I always get nostalgic on my birthday I went back and read the first post in this thread. Life was much simpler then... This story was an outline. I was starting to work on a Nightcrawler costume. And vet school hadn't started yet.

Now: I'm in school. I've had my Nightcrawler costume for quite a while. And this story is just about finished. Amazing what can be accomplished in 8 months. (All that plus a trip to San Diego and a hospital stay!)

This thread used to be so chatty... I wonder what happened to that?

I can't post part 54 quite yet because I'm still editing it. These last few parts have been really challenging to write and edit. I'm afraid I'm going to forget something. But I will be posting the next part very soon.

As for:
So how much is left before the even more angsty abduction and manipulation by Stryker?
Let's do some math...

Kurt's 17 now. I'm figuring him to be in his middle twenties by the time X2 happens. (Let's say - he's 27 to make things easy) There also happens to be 27* original characters besides Kurt Wagner that I've introduced as part of Circus Gehlhaar. This means that those 27 characters have 10 years to get married, have kids, leave the circus, die, or any combination of the above.

That's a lot of writing.

Kurt may never get abducted by Stryker in my life time. :) However, the outline is up for grabs if anyone wants to have a go at it. Or, if folks are willing to wait, I will continue to chip away at it, albeit at a much slower pace.

as always, thanks reading
-e




* I'm including Magali, Amanda, Stephan, and Azazel in my count of original characters since their personalities and stories are completely different from their cannon Marvel stories.
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Even Angels have Scars -- Complete

Post by Dezzy Dragon »

It can’t be over soon! I have been enjoying this story for far to long for it to end so soon. :(
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Post by fourpawsonthefloor »

I have to say, of all the excellent fan fics there are out there this has been one of my favorites. I registered on this forum just to be able to tell you that and beg for more!
Just out of curiosity (and because I am a fellow animal nut/animal welfarist/animal health tech (which is what they call vet techs in BC). Which year are you in? Vet or pre-vet? Loved the medical stuff that you had in the posts earlier - for obvious reasons I suppose.
Keep em coming, I am stalking this thread like a demented vulture.
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Even Angels have Scars -- Complete

Post by CurlyyHairGirl »

Originally posted by zamweasel
It's my birthday
HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMILY *give huge bear hug*
and because I always get nostalgic on my birthday I went back and read the first post in this thread. Life was much simpler then... This story was an outline. I was starting to work on a Nightcrawler costume. And vet school hadn't started yet.

Now: I'm in school. I've had my Nightcrawler costume for quite a while. And this story is just about finished. Amazing what can be accomplished in 8 months. (All that plus a trip to San Diego and a hospital stay!)
And the get well vibes we sent you helped too.
This thread used to be so chatty... I wonder what happened to that?
If I knew, I would tell you, but I seriously don't know. I've tried to follow this thread from the beginning, and I'm glad that I have. I have never read a fan fic that has gone through as much detail and depth as you have put in this one. It's abso-positutley amazing!
Usually I try to post after every chapter, but a while ago there was a huge boom of fan fics and updates in the forum, but I tried hard to respond, zam. I think, too, that alot of people just don't post much in the Fuzzy Tales section anymore. They may read it but they don't give feedback...which is ok, albeit a little rude, but they don't have to. It's not like they don't like it Zam, I can't think of any reason why a person wouldn't.
This is the best fic EVER! You poured alot into it. People may not post alot, but they sure do look in alot, and that says alot in itself.
I can't post part 54 quite yet because I'm still editing it. These last few parts have been really challenging to write and edit. I'm afraid I'm going to forget something. But I will be posting the next part very soon.
I can be very patient at times. Don't worry about forgetting something. We don't have your outline, so we won't notice if something small is missing. Just take your time. Patience is always rewarding. And your pace is good...so is the salsa:LOL...nevermind bad joke. What I'm saying is not to rush, rushing causes mistakes (not that you are capable of making any;))
As for:
So how much is left before the even more angsty abduction and manipulation by Stryker?
Let's do some math...

Kurt's 17 now. I'm figuring him to be in his middle twenties by the time X2 happens. (Let's say - he's 27 to make things easy) There also happens to be 27* original characters besides Kurt Wagner that I've introduced as part of Circus Gehlhaar. This means that those 27 characters have 10 years to get married, have kids, leave the circus, die, or any combination of the above.

That's a lot of writing.

Kurt may never get abducted by Stryker in my life time. :) However, the outline is up for grabs if anyone wants to have a go at it. Or, if folks are willing to wait, I will continue to chip away at it, albeit at a much slower pace.

as always, thanks reading
-e
I'm all for waiting as many years as it takes to finish them, even if I have to escape Hell and climb over the gates of Heaven to hear the rest of it!

I am a persistant bugger, ain't I:D

P.s. Good luck with Vet school, we'd all love to hear about it too.
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Even Angels have Scars -- Complete

Post by shankjam »

There are several factors that will cause 'readership' to decline. The website has gone down several times since you started this story, sometimes for a long time to boot. People will either forget about it, or loose interest if too much time goes by. Which leads to the other factor, the slowing down of updates, which is understandable obviously now that you're in school.

As for there being less chattiness, there are only so many ways to say 'You're doing a great job'. It gets old on both sides quickly! Also, during the early parts of your writing this story, you had other things going on as well, specifically your Nightcrawler costume and then working on getting into vet school. Just as your life has gotten into something of a routine, however hectic, so too will things settle down here as theres less to talk about.
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Even Angels have Scars -- Complete

Post by Saint Kurt »

Look at this:
NOTICE: X-Day 2004 has been moved to January.
Sweeter words have never been said. I don't know why they moved it but it works for me - mainly because part 54 well, sucks. It's probably because I was so busy with school but besides being really fractured, just doesn't fit with the rest of the story.

I've got my last exam before a week long thanksgiving break during which I will fix part 54 and post the rest of the story.

As for my life being routine - that's hardly the case. It's just that when I was in the hospital I was a lot more bored and had a lot more time to kill on the internet (so I was more exciting here if that makes any sense). But I'm determined to finish this and even keep writing since so much of the writing here lays the foundation for what happens later.

Anyway thanks for being such loyal readers. Sorry to make you wait, but it's either that or force you to read a bunch of crap. Which I don't want to do. :)

-e
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Even Angels have Scars -- Complete

Post by Maelstrom »

I much prefer to wait a long time for good stuff than get crap on demand. :D

Here's hoping your exam goes well. I'm sure it'll be a real relief to get that out of the way so you can enjoy the holiday.
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Even Angels have Scars -- Complete

Post by CurlyyHairGirl »

I agree with Maelstrom.

I'm willing to wait however long it takes to read this. It's been nothing but exquisite quality from the beginning, and I have no doubts, to the end.

I press, TAKE YOUR TIME!!!
School comes first. Study hard.

And just for you...

...good luck towards exam grades vibes:






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Even Angels have Scars -- Complete

Post by bluefooted »

Well, now I guess I must admit to being an evil, non-commenting lurker :blush I've really been enjoying this story - it's like an old friend by now ;) Great story!

Here's my contribution, in lieu of all the comments I owe you. Since you asked for it (actually I just did it anyway), here's a lil' illustration for you. There are many inconsistancies between your story and the pic - that's because I read it and just went home and drew my impression of the scene. I hate his scarf and want to remove it, but it's permanent :( Oh well, here goes (hope it works). Kurt gets his scars:

Image

Cheers!
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Post by Rowena »

What a powerful picture. The trees are so stark, and the wind makes him seem so forlorn. The wounds look so fresh and painful...even his tail is scarred! His scarf is a bit prominent, but it doesn't take away from the mood. I think this is a really good illustration. :D








Hi Zam! I'm sending some "good luck on your exam vibes" of my own. Hope you have a great Thanksgiving! :D

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~The Doctor, Survival

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Post by Singe »

^? !!!<3 <3 <3!!!!

...awesome.
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Post by CurlyyHairGirl »

Oh lord, is that beautiful! O-o:love
The color are so vibrant, and the overall scene is just what I would imagine.
It's absolutely stunning.

I wish I were that good.
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Post by Saint Kurt »

Yay! I love the drawing. It's definitely worth 13 pages of silent lurking. (though please don't make me write another 13 for another drawing... :) )

You're right, the scarf doesn't go, but it's still cool and I'll tell you why when I'm done writing the compliments. What you got right are 2 things: 1) that's exactly how I imagine his big "I've got to go out in public and hide coat" looking and 2) you pretty much captured the "What the hell just happened to me? Oh nevermind I'm just really exhausted and I all want to do now is go home except that I don't know where that is" expression on his face.

The scarf is cool because it's another example of the weird synergy thing with your drawings and my story. A LONG long while after all the events happening now, things transpire that lead Kurt to decide that it's time to strike out on his own and do something else - basically run away from the circus. Meanwhile, Amanda, who never has anything to do, has taken up knitting and has knit everybody all sorts of crazy colorful hats, scarves, mittens, and sweaters. So in the outline there's this hilarious scene (at least, when I write it it's going to be hilarious, I hope) where Kurt goes storming off in a huff to pack fully prepared to find a way to integrate himself into the outside world only to discover that all he owns are crazy circus clothes so that even wrapped head to toe in Amanda's knitting he's completely obvious.

Amanda's scarves make appearances all over the place actually, so much so that they occasionally jump out of the story and onto my costume.

Image
Here I am balanced on the tail of one of the lions at the Art Institute. It was really cold that day. I needed that scarf. I'm sure I'll be wearing a scarf this Thursday as well. Brrr!

Thanks Bluefooted!


-e
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Post by bluefooted »

That is the cutest picture Zam! Could it be that I'm not the only one with a scarf-fetish :smirk

Glad you liked the pic! I promise not to make you wait so long before posting again. Yeee! Can't wait for more scarves! Woot!
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Post by Saint Kurt »

The wait is finally over! Part 54 is done and it is much better now. I'm relieved too.

But first - I never answered this question:
Which year are you in? Vet or pre-vet? Loved the medical stuff that you had in the posts earlier - for obvious reasons I suppose.
I am in my first year of veterinary school at the University of Illinois. Before that I worked as an unlicensed vet tech while gathering pre-requisite credits for school. I am also a licensed paramedic. (On the non-medical side - I also did work as a seamstress and costume builder.)

My current aspiration is to work as a vet for a circus and I'm trying to hook up with Ringling Brothers this summer.

Anyway - I'm not going to make you wait any longer for part 54...
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Truth, Lies, Tears, and Laughter part 2

Post by Saint Kurt »

"Welcome home then, Kurt, welcome home."


Christian pulled the van he shared with Margali and Amanda away from the area designated for the circus' living quarters and back to the front gate. He'd lived with the Szardos family even since he'd abandoned his and James' "Wenig Amerika" trailer so that Brin could have a space to live. It was supposed to be temporary, but he liked the Szardos'.

A sliding door divided the sleeping spaces so that Margali and Amanda were off in their own rooms in the back. He and Kurt shared the much smaller bunks off of the main living area. Christian slept in the bottom bunk that was supposed to be Stephani's though as far as he knew, Stephani had never actually slept in it. Kurt had the top bunk, which he had personalized with a weird blend of old Circus Gehlhaar posters and religious ephemera. He'd also removed the ladder since he didn't need it and the hallway was a lot larger without it. Each night Christian fell asleep to the sound of Kurt murmuring his prayers at the foot of the bed. Sometimes he went on for so long that Christian didn't even hear him vault into the bunk above.

Most of the time the arrangement worked well. And when things didn't work out Christian just imagined he was living in the zaniest most off the wall sitcom plot imaginable. "See what happens when a California surfer joins up with old style European traveling circus and lives with two gypsies and a guy who looks like the devil". Sometimes he could almost hear the laugh track. You couldn't pay people to make stuff up as good as what they came up with on a daily basis. The truth was, Christian didn't want to move out. Life was too fun.

Amanda was waiting just inside the door of the office and as Christian pulled up she stepped back into the office interior. A moment later Wolfgang emerged carrying Kurt, who was so bundled up in that coat he always wore whenever he left the circus that he was hardly recognizable. Christian opened the side door and looked around. He almost wanted them to be caught, wanted someone to see what Wolfgang was doing. But the rest of the circus was parked on the other side of the fairgrounds, already engaged in the routine of making themselves at home, and he could hear the sound of their semi trucks being unloaded as the roustabouts lost no time setting up the big tent. No one knew about this little drama as it was being played out, as far as the rest of the circus was concerned this was just another stop on the tour without Kurt. Wolfgang was going to get away with this just like he got away with everything else he did.

The four of them got on and Wolfgang dropped Kurt on Christian's bottom bunk. Kurt moaned and shifted, but didn't wake. Christian got up from behind the driver's seat to watch.

"I can't believe you didn't tell us about this Wolfgang," he reiterated as Margali unwrapped Kurt's coat from his face and shoulders.

"That was his decision Christian, it can't be undone now," Maria said.

"What happened to him anyway?" Christian asked.

"No idea," Wolfgang said. "Margali?"

Margali looked up. "I'll need some warm water and a cloth Amanda," she said. "I can't read anything with this much dried blood." She ran a finger along Kurt's cheek, trying to trace one of the lines that had been carved there.

"You said that those cuts didn't mean anything," Wolfgang said.

Margali shook her head, squinting at Kurt's hand and arm.

"I could be wrong," she said. "I need to see better to be sure."

"I'll pull around to the living quarters," Christian offered. "There's a wash building with hot and cold water. You guys coming?" he asked turning towards Wolfgang and Maria.

"I better stay here for a little while and smooth things over with the management. They seemed a little confused by all this." Wolfgang said.

"I'll stay behind with Wolfgang," said Maria.

"Okay Dokey," Christian said with mock casualness as he dropped into the driver's seat once again.

"Please don't tell anyone," Wolfgang warned him, "not yet at least."

"Hey, I'm not telling anyone. I'm just pulling around to our parking space so Margali can 'read' Kurt better is all. If that's okay with you." Christian said, the irony all too evident in his voice.

"I'm serious."

"So am I."

"All right, we'll be back in a little while and then you can let us know if you need anything," said Wolfgang. Christian nodded and watched then jump out before pulling the van around the back.

He sat with Kurt and Amanda while Margali prepared the water.

"You guys were all pissed at Kurt before, when he left with Father Dietrich" he said, watching Amanda pushing Kurt's unruly curls out of his eyes as he slept. "You wouldn't even talk to him. Why the big change?"

"I know. Mom says we might have made a mistake," she said. "That's what she's trying to figure out."

"What kind of mistake?" Christian asked. He didn't like mysteries.

Amanda sighed and shrugged her shoulders. "It's really complicated. I don't even think I could even explain it to you. Let's just say mom thought Kurt tried to hurt her, maybe even kill her."

Christian tried to suppress a snort of laughter. "Kurt? Are you kidding?"

"He had a very good reason at the time. And then what mom did…" Amanda stopped playing with Kurt's hair and cupped her chin in her hands, thinking. "I was angry at both of them I guess. I told you, it's complicated. It was a bad few days"

"I guess…" said Christian. He turned back to see what was taking Margali so long just as she came into view carrying a large bowl of steaming water with both hands. There were a few thin towels draped over one arm. "Ugg. That stinks," he said as she set it down on the floor.

"I put some herbs in it," Margali said as she soaked one of the towels in the water. "They have… antiseptic properties."

Christian made a face. "What about rubbing alcohol and bactine and stuff? You're going to get that smelly herbal stuff all over my bed."

Amanda gave him a look of silent disapproval and was quickly joined by Margali.

"What?" Christian said, looking wounded.

"If you're going to stay, then be quiet," Margali said. "I'm working."

"I get it. Recipes from the old country and everything. Fine. I'll be quiet." Christian rolled his eyes and moved toward the front of the trailer where he picked up a book and feigned disinterest. Maybe he would have to move soon after all. Sven and Nils had some room, if you liked swarthy Swedish acrobat types. Or Feuer Langerhan had his own trailer; he wouldn't even need heat during the winter. Christian sighed and peeking over the top of his book watched Margali lay her hand on Kurt's forehead.

"He was looking for us, but at the same time he's afraid to come back. He knows the depth of our misunderstanding," Margali said. "He was totally unaware of what he'd done and now that he knows, desperately wants to repair things. He was trying to explain it himself before he collapsed."

"Is that what all these symbols are for? I don't recognize them," Amanda said.

Margali shook her head. "No, I don't think so. And I have seen them before. My mother and sister used them, but never like this." She sighed and picked the towel out of the bowl, wringing it out with both hands.

"They go all over his chest too," Amanda said, lifting up Kurt's blood stained shirt and looking under it.

"They do?" Margali dropped the towel back in the bowl and frowned. "All this has to come off then."

"Did Kurt do all this?" Amanda asked.

Margali shook her head. "I don't see how. Kurt's never had any instruction in the use of this or any other magical alphabets. And the symmetry and dexterity," She glanced at Kurt's hands. He'd adapted remarkably well to a world full of tools for five fingered hands, but there was still a noticeable difference in his work. "I don't think he would have been capable."

Margali looked up at Christian who had given up his ruse of pretending to read ever since it looked like she could read Kurt's mind. "It looks like we need your help after all," she said.

"Déjà vu." Christian said as he got up to join them.

"Huh?" Amanda asked.

"You weren't there, but in Brighton, after Wolfgang found him," he said, as he raised Kurt's hands above his head so Amanda could slide his shirt off, "I helped pull Kurt's clothes off then too."

"That's right, mom was … sick," Amanda said. She didn't like thinking about that weekend at all, so many bad memories all at once. She gave Christian a sad half smile. "Thanks for helping out."

Christian shrugged. "It wasn't a big deal," he said. He pulled one of the thin blankets down from Kurt's bunk so he could have some modesty. "Wow, I know the whole modern primitive body scarification thing is in now, but that's pretty extreme huh?"

"Maybe, maybe not," Margali said. "It really depends." She reached down for the towel again to wring it out.

Christian sat back down in his chair with his book. "Depends on what?" he asked.

"On what they mean," Amanda said as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Christian was about to ask what they were talking about, but Margali had started working on washing the dried blood off of Kurt's skin and a moment later he jerked awake.

"Hurting me," he said groggily, sounding as though he had been caught in the middle of a sentence.

"I'm sorry," Margali said, "there's infusion of nettles in there, it stings." She leaned down to soak the towel and wring it out again, the clear water becoming murky and dark.

Kurt rubbed his eyes and stretched, still waking up. Margali had most of his face clean and they could see a symmetrical pattern of angular swirls had been carefully cut into his skin, deep enough to leave a permanent scar but not so deep as to be disfiguring to the delicate muscle beneath. It was the perfect symmetry that had Margali's attention though.

Working more quickly, Margali held Kurt's arm over the bowl and squeezed water over it so that the dried blood ran down his arm and hand and back into the bowl. Kurt flinched and tried to move away.

"You're all right. It's just water," Amanda said, climbing into the bed to sit with him. Margali handed her a fresh towel so she could work on his other arm. "No one's going to hurt you," she said when Kurt continued to try to pull away.

There was a spark of recognition in Kurt's eyes and he stopped struggling. "Amanda?"

"Yeah, we're just trying to get you cleaned up. What happened to you?" Amanda asked.

But Kurt wasn't listening. He sat up quickly, backing quickly away from Margali and Amanda.

"Relax Kurt, we're not trying to hurt you," Margali said. She reached out for Kurt's arm, but he vaulted over the two of them in a flurry of movement. Christian jumped up to block his way, fairly certain that after two weeks of carefully lying to the entire circus about Kurt's whereabouts, Wolfgang's planned homecoming for Kurt didn't involve him running out of his trailer naked and spattered with blood.

Christian went to grab Kurt by the wrists and only had time to catch a glimpse of the expression in Kurt's eyes to know that for some reason he was truly panicked. There was a bang and an explosion of air and for a moment Christian thought that somehow Kurt had exploded. He had only seen Kurt teleport once or twice and never up close. Except that Kurt hadn't gone anywhere. Kurt seemed to realize this fact and that he wasn't wearing anything at the same time and his look of panic shifted almost comically to one of horror.

"Here," Amanda said, quickly pulling Kurt's blanket off the bed. She draped it around his shoulders as he sank to the floor though whether it was out of weariness, frustration with his inability to teleport, embarrassment, or a combination of the three, Christian couldn't tell.

"Why couldn't I teleport?" Kurt asked. H e reached up with a shaking hand to wipe a small trickle of blood from his nose.

"Maybe you're just tired," Margali said. "Now please, stop trying to run away. I'm not angry. I'm not going to try to hurt you."

"You're not?" Kurt said sounding relieved and turning around.

"No." Margali laughed. "Now, are you going to tell me what happened to you or am I going to have to just sit here guessing?" She held out a hand and Kurt accepted it in silence, climbing shakily to his feet and returning to the edge of Christian's bunk. But instead of talking he allowed Margali to work in silence, wincing every so often as Margali cleaned the last of the dried blood from his fur.

When she was done Margali handed the bowl to Amanda. "Be careful," she said. Amanda took the bowl and motioned Christian to follow her. He looked back at Margali and Kurt and then at Amanda as though to say he preferred to stay.

"Let's go," Amanda said in a tone that brooked no arguments.

With a frustrated sigh Christian heaved himself out of his chair once again and followed her.

"What are you doing?" he said when they got outside, "Kurt was going tell us what happened."

Amanda shook her head. "No, he was going tell mom what happened. Here." She handed the bowl to Christian and started opening one of the trailer's outer compartments. "Don't you remember when I told you, there are only three people Kurt talks to, Father Dietrich, Wolfgang, and my Mom?"

"Yeah, I do remember that," Christian said. "When Brin first came."

"So, he left Father Dietrich's, Wolfgang struck out for some reason, that leaves my mom. He wouldn't have said a word with us in there." Amanda said.

Christian started to dump the water out onto the ground.

"No!" Amanda caught his hand and tipped the bowl back up. "What are you doing? You can't dump that out there."

Christian looked started. "What's wrong, it's just water."

"No, it's got Kurt's blood in it too. You can't just dump it in the dirt like that," Amanda said. She pulled a bucket out of the compartment and shut it. "Dump it out where there plants and stuff. The roots will suck it up."

"Why? Is Kurt's blood like, good fertilizer or something?"

"Something like that," Amanda said.

Christian shrugged. "What's the bucket for?"

"I'm going to wash Kurt's hair. It's gross," Amanda said.

Christian dumped the bowl out over thick patch of tall grass and bushes growing at the edges of their campsite. He jogged back to the wash building where Amanda was standing. "There you go," he said holding out the empty bowl to her, "I'm sure those plants will be a foot taller and blue by tomorrow morning."

Amanda made a face and turned the hot water spigot, waiting for the water to get warm.

"I still don't get it," Christian said.

"Don't get what?" Amanda asked.

"The big change of heart. I don't get it. I mean, you wouldn't even look at Kurt back in England and now you want to wash his hair. I don't get it." Christian leaned back against the wall. He stared off into space for a few moments thinking about it. He'd tried to make jokes and be light hearted while it was happening, but they were some of the darkest times in his life. "Kurt kept asking where you guys were," he said, "And the first couple of days after it happened, when he was totally out of it, he would wake up at like six every night all freaked out thinking he had to get ready to perform. It was weird. He was like a clock."

Amanda sighed, staring at the water rushing into the bucket. "I know. I said I was sorry."

"I don't care about that. It would have been nice if you were there for him, but whatever." Christian tapped his hands on the wall nervously. "But there has to be some reason why you guys changed your minds."

"It's because of mom," Amanda said after a long silence. "She had this dream a few nights ago where her sister came to her and said 'the gate is closed, the way is open, and your angel will have scars'."

Christian waited for her to finish but when Amanda said nothing else he spoke. "That's it? That was her dream?"

"That was it," Amanda said, picking up the bucket and leaning back against its weight.

"Oh, well it's perfectly clear to me now," he said with a sarcastic laugh. "Honestly, what the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Amanda shrugged. "I don't really know exactly. I think mom's hoping that maybe Kurt can tell us. I think she thinks it means she was wrong. Coming?"

"I don't know. Is the secret society through meeting yet?" Christian asked.

Amanda narrowed her eyes. "What's the matter with you?" She asked. "Why are you being so difficult about this?" She was used to Christian being so easygoing. She'd never heard him sound so cynical before.

"Sorry, I guess I don't really believe in this kind of stuff," he said. "It just seems like a lot of needless suffering for Kurt in the end."

"I don't believe in it either really," Amanda admitted, "but I know my mother, and she knows about some pretty amazing stuff. She says to never discount a dream."

"Even if it's contradictory statements about scared angels?"

"Scarred angels, but yeah." Amanda said with a shrug. "Anyway, coming?"

"Yeah," Christian said. He held the door open for her so she could carry the bucket of hot water up the steps.

The scene was pretty much how they had left it except that now Kurt was dressed in a clean shirt and shorts and he had his face buried in Margali's shoulder. She had put her arms around him. Obviously they'd walked in on Kurt's explanation still in progress, the very end at least.

"Oh," Amanda stopped, Christian bumping her from behind.

"It's okay," Margali said. She pushed a lock of her hair aside and craned her neck around so she could look Kurt in the eye. "Right?" She asked.

Still sniffling Kurt nodded and wiped his eyes. "I'm sorry. I just missed you," he said.

"We missed you too," Amanda said, putting the bucket down and sitting down at her mother's back so she could look Kurt in the eye.

"But what about before?" Kurt asked. "What about what happened before?"

"What did I just say about that?" Margali asked him.

"That it doesn't matter, that you made a mistake, and that if I can forgive you…" Kurt stopped to wipe his nose again and Christian found his comedy side, the one he couldn't quite control, wondering if this wasn't the "very special episode" of his sitcom, the one in which the funniest and usually least accessible character shows that he's human after all. Except that with Kurt there had never been any doubt.

"That if I can forgive you," Kurt said, beginning again, "we can be a family again."

"That's right," Margali said.

"Of course I forgive you," Kurt said, reaching up to wipe fresh tears from his eyes. "All I wanted to do was come home."

Amanda took Kurt's hand in hers. "Welcome home then, Kurt," she said and using her index finger to tilt Kurt's head up, she planted a kiss on his forehead, "Welcome home."





Author's Note: The title "Truth, Lies, Tears, and Laughter" is a line paraphrased from the lyrics of Cirque du Soleil's "Quidam".
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Even Angels have Scars -- Complete

Post by fourpawsonthefloor »

Oh rapture! Was way too excited when I spotted this new post. Jeez you'd think that I was 15 yrs younger the way that I shrieked and clapped when I saw it. Scared the hell out of the kids. Good thing the husband is working overtime, don't want to explain it all to him. :p
Well written as usual, and I am glad that he got welcomed back into the fold. Painful circumstances can help to form a stronger character, but you don't want to poor guy to suffer too much. This has to be my most stalked thread of all time, and I eagerly await the next installment, while respecting your insane schedual.
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Post by InterNutter »

I second that emotion, but I kept it all internal on account of I don't want to wake up the house ;)

Very, very good to see more of this fic :D
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Even Angels have Scars -- Complete

Post by CurlyyHairGirl »

Screaming seems to br the 'in' thing:LOL
My mom thought a saw another spider. (arachniphobe)
I loved it Zam. If it weren't for your update, I would still be grumpy from being woken up at 11:00 :LOL

Can't wait for more...well i can, but you know what I mean.
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Even Angels have Scars -- Complete

Post by ElfSpam »

Excellent as usual! I still marvel at the scope of this story. I've truly enjoyed reading it. This is one that I will definitely miss when the final curtain falls. :)
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Prognostication? or just coincidence?

Post by Saint Kurt »

Is anyone reading the new Nightcrawler solo series? Have you picked up #3?

Without getting into specifics, isn't creepy how that world and this world are starting to fit together? There are a few lines of dialogue about demons and angels where I was like "holy crap!" It's kind of cool. I like it when things work out even though I had nothing to do with it.

On a totally different subject, Cirque du Soleil has included a BMX bike act that's exactly as I envisioned Christian's, in their new show. (Actually, the show, La Nouba is a few years old now, but it just got released on DVD and since it's not a touring show, this is the first time I'm seeing it.)

I was so stoked when I saw it. I got the idea years ago when I was competing as a snowboarder. Even though it was a winter sport they often had a half pipe set up for exhibition skating and BMX and I always used to think to myself, "if that's not a circus act, I don't know what is". The BMX act in the La Nouba is all street and it's quite beautiful. If they do it again, I hope they push the envelope and include halfpipe stuff because those guys are true aerialists.

I'm working on the final chapter. It was finished until I pulled a chunk out of it and put it in part 54. Next week is finals but I only have that tiny hole to fill so look for the end of the story to go up this weekend.

I'm going to miss it you know...

-e
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