Pup's Pigeon Paramours - Image Heavy Thread

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Pup's Pigeon Paramours - Image Heavy Thread

Post by puppygirl » Sun Apr 22, 2012 12:19 am

In which Pup sizes up the Potentials and Picks a Paramour

Ever had one of those ideas when you're completely tripping balls, stoned out of your brain on medication that sounds absolutely fantabulous?
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Yeah, that happened to me. I decided in my sickly-wisdom to download Hatoful Boyfriend, a Japanese, high-school dating sim with one unique difference from all other. All the potentials love interests are pigeons. Yes. Actual pigeons. Not boys turned into birds, real, feathered avians. Since this sounded like so much excellent crack when I mentioned it in chat, it was suggested that I do a 'Let's Play' type thing, to share this wonderful experience with you all.

... May God have mercy on my soul.

So when I load up a new game I'm prompted to input my character's name, which given the setting and the nature of the game, I decide shall be 'Pussy Galore'
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And straight away confirmation that I picked absolutely the right name. This is Ryouta, Pussy's best friend she's known since he was a hatchling ... and apparently she has to catch her breakfast as she lives as a 'hunter-gatherer"?
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Submitted without comment, mostly because when I saw it I snorted and it felt like my sinuses were trying to explode out of my face.

So we head to class to meet the other potentials and since they all have special 'what they'd look like as a human portraits' they must all be romanceable. So first we meet teacher-sensai, the quail Nanaki Kazuaki, who specialises in maths and physics and ... just fell asleep at his desk. Right. Then Sakuya the upper-class, racist, asshole fantailed dove who's refusal to introduce himself to the commoners could result in; "the system will collapse and we'll all turn into kulaks and dissenters" (direct quote from game). Also, allegedly he's a french transfer student, 'cos ... y'know, Shirogane Sakuya is such a french name :shifty

I then bump into anti-social bookworm mourning dove Nageki in the library, and then meet the "ever-popular trend-setter and ladies' man" Yuuya, who is also Sakuya's 'half-breed' brother.

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And he's a :gambit-bird! Surely this is relevant to our interests? Nevermind the hilarious bit of dialogue where he asked me 'Hey, you're Pussy, right?' (absolutely the best name for the protagonist) and she asks 'How do you know my name?' 'Well, I make a point of knowing the names of all the pretty girls ... plus you're the only human here.' Not the sharpest pin in the cushion, our Pussy.

So at the end of the day I'm guessing my bestest buddy Ryouta is meant to walk me home, only he's gone to the doctors office as he's a bit sickly. So naturally I head down there to find him only to discover no one is there, and I'm sure of that since;
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So naturally Pussy is sad-facing and decides to poke around office while no one is there and investigate the drugs (which sounds pretty realistic for a high school student to me :shifty). WHEN SUDDENLY!!
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Creepy school ninja doctor Shuu the partridge bursts in, demands to know why I'm there and bustles me out, so Pussy decides to check out the school track with thoughts of joining the one of the school clubs.

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... A birdwatching club? In a school full of bird? Anyone else find this as weirdly disturbing as I do?

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... I think I'm in love. This fantailed dove is rage-hopping up and down on a squished pudding because it's not "the true pudding"

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... Yep, pretty sure that this here is gonna be Pussy's soulmate (and hello sinuses trying to explode out of my face again!). This is San, who fits the hyper-random animie character trope to a tee, but what I really love about him is that his 'human version potriat' is just a drawing of dove in a school uniform, and I'm pretty sure I'm having to guess at what he's saying. Hell, if I'm gonna woo a bird, might as well be the birdiest bird out there.

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UNTLL NEXT TIME!

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Re: Pup's Pigeon Paramours - Image Heavy Thread

Post by Starfish » Sun Apr 22, 2012 12:34 am

...by all the Internet saints! I don't even know where to begin! :*D

I mean... fuck? This has to be one of the best things ever. Or insane. Actually, both, yep. This had to be thought up and an unhealthy mix of acid and meth.

The birdwatching club... yeah, that's just fantastic. And San! So much :love

Please, you must go on! I'm so excited to see where this will take us. And a little scared.

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Re: Pup's Pigeon Paramours - Image Heavy Thread

Post by steyn » Sun Apr 22, 2012 4:34 am

OMG, this is absolutely hilarious! Can't wait for the next installment.

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Re: Pup's Pigeon Paramours - Image Heavy Thread

Post by Slarti » Sun Apr 22, 2012 7:36 am

Yeah, I've had seven beers and I'm just scared!

...yet...

...oddly interested.

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Pussy's Pursuit of the Pudding Pigeon

Post by puppygirl » Sun Apr 22, 2012 3:22 pm

So second day of class has rolled around and it's time to pick what after school club Pussy will join. Since I'm planning on pursuing the pudding maniac I chose the track team. And then it's tomorrow, what? That was a short day.

And I have stats, whoo. Wisdom, vitality and charisma, there're elective days where I can choose to study various things, and they increase one of my three stats. Since I'm going after running bird Pussy is choosing to study gym and up her vitality.

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I'm wondering if I'm ever going to get an explanation as to why I'm at a school with with (mostly) talking birds. Mainly because I'm wondering if my character is just being derpy when she makes comments like that, or if we're living in some strange future-land where humanity has taken to downloading their brains into birds to deal with global over-populations or something?

And now it's a few days later (April 15th), guessing this time skipping thing is going to happen a lot, and I'm only just heading down to sign up for track? Honestly, Pussy, do you want sweet, sweet, beaky love or not? I don't think dragging your heels around San will work.

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Okay, actually that's a pretty reasonable thing to dither about. Never mind. I can understand not wanting to watch good pudding go to waste.

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I have several responses to that, but they will probably get me banned for posting on a public forum like this. So all I will say is 'A male bird is called a Cock' and let you fill in the blanks.

So San is the captain of the track team and I have to race him to be allowed to join. I pick long distance since I figure I'm a human, I have longer legs over distance my larger gait should give me victory, right?

Wrong. He beats me. The bloody bird beats me in a long distance track race? Pussy, you are a terrible runner, you can't even beat this in a race, no wonder you fail at catching breakfast. Unless … maybe these birds with a human level intellect are also of a similar size. Six foot tall pigeons. I'm sure you probably had the same thought as I did 'Oh my God, imagine one of those crapping on your car!'

Giant pigeons, that actually sounds like the premises for a fairly decent B-horror movie rather than a dating sim (though I suppose in Japan unremitting horror and teen love go hand in hand WARNING – Anime gore and WTFJapanery) Anyhoo, San senses my 'potential' and I'm permitted to join the team. Insert Japanotard 'squeeee' here.

In other news;
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HOLY HELL! Pussy lives in a CAVE? Oh man! I guess there were serious about the whole 'hunter-gatherer' thing? Heh, does she change into a set of furs when she gets home? I lol'd so loud when I saw this I startled my rabbit. Look, she even has a crappy little fire down in the right corner under the text box. Anyways, back to the story, tomorrow is the class hike. Pigeons hiking. Bask in that mental image for a moment before we continue. Maybe they have little picks for climbing the rocks? Now remember I'm the only one who doesn't have wings.

So we hike along for the day and break time rolls around, and I'm given the option to go and hangout with someone, and so naturally I pick San … or I would have if he hadn't run off some where. Oh wait, he went haring off after his blessed one true pudding. Naturally.

San pops back up, complaining that he can't find his amazipud and Pussy proceeds to try and ask him about it, and the way it's worded makes me imagine that she's asking him in that slow, careful voice people use when they're trying to get the good little boy to put daddy's gun down carefully. Of course we don't get any answers, San just zooms off again, looking elsewhere for his pudding.

Wretched bird, you will be my boyfriend! You're going to love me!

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Re: Pup's Pigeon Paramours - Image Heavy Thread

Post by Starfish » Sun Apr 22, 2012 3:32 pm

Giant pigeons dating a schoolgirl cavewoman? Why not? I mean... fuuuuuu!? :toothy

Really, I'd love to know what thought process went into combining these ideas.

On a second thought, I'd rather not...

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Re: Pup's Pigeon Paramours - Image Heavy Thread

Post by steyn » Sun Apr 22, 2012 4:54 pm

This is such good crack.

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Punch-ups and Pigeon Racing

Post by puppygirl » Tue Apr 24, 2012 10:25 pm

We've now 'time passes' to nearly a month later and Pussy is complaining about it being to hot in gym when San pops up out of nowhere to the rescue!
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Swimming pigeon! I am totally up for this, let's go Sanny-baby!

… Wait? Whaaaaat? I'm back in the classroom and it's ten days later? Why have one of the boyfriends pop up and talk about going for a swim and then not have it happen? Game. I am disapoint.

Well, on the subject of fitness, my first Big Event is coming up, the School Sport's Festival, yaaaaay! Everyone has to choose what they want to do, Ryouta will be doing the three-legged race, San will be doing the marathon and Sakuya (who is too posh to run) … well …
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High-five(pin-feathers?) to the teacher for successful trolling the arsey foreign student! Dear sweet heaven I hope I get to see that dove in a cheerleader's costume, don't you? I'd like to just take a moment to tell you that the people in this game speak in a sort of MLP:FIM dialect, where certain parts of words in reference to a person or a group of people is replaced with 'birdie' so we have 'anybirdie' 'somebirdie' and 'nobirdie', even if you're not a birdie.

Which I figure makes Pussy the Hato equivalent of Spike.

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YAAAAAAAY!

While I would dearly love to see Sakuya in a cheerleader outfit or watch a avian three-legged race (birds doing a three-legged race!) I stick true to my romance and opt for the marathon with San, and naturally he wins, but at least when I spoke to him before the start of the race we had a normal exchange, success!

Time skipping to the midterms …
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Wow? That's pretty goo-
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… Never mind, I'm actually not to surprised here, my wisdom is still at 1 >,> maybe I should start going to math classes …

Then we have a couple of week where nothing interesting until June the 12th and DRAMA, Pussy gets to class and San and Sakuya are fighting with poor Ryouta on his back on the floor, a casualty of trying to stop them.
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With how much of a bitch Sakuya is, you might be right there Pussy, bet he started it.
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:O No one be dissin' my potential fake pigeon boyfriend!
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You said it, Pussy! I'm given the option to side with one of the birds or scold them both, naturally I pick San, resulting in Sakuya being shocked at how the human is siding with the mongrel rebel, and while he's distracted, San strikes.
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:love San
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Bird's got SWAG!

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Pudding, Paddling and Pills

Post by puppygirl » Wed Apr 25, 2012 10:07 pm

Another day, another choice to try and further my avianophile agenda. I can either got to the library, the school shop or the cafeteria. Out of those three, I figure San is most likely to be where the food is, so off Pussy trots and orders
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A what? O.o Okay, gotta say I'm impressed with the translation team for this game, this is the first case of Engrish that I've run into thus far.

Oh, look at that, I was right
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Guess the school pudding wasn't up to snuff. San is having another shit-fit and poor Ryouta is trying to get him to calm down and go outside, with little success.
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Is it just me, or do his beady black eyes look even more crazed with this line? HE'S A BIRD ON THE EDGE!

Choices!
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-Are not very clear. I toss a coin and go with 'Let him go!'
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Awww, I feel a bit like a dick now, but I suppose that this can only be good for my blossoming relationship.

I'm pretty sure Ryouta thinks Pussy is nuts now though.
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But least San is happy?
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And I got a declaration of love from San for my efforts! D'aww-buwah?
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DAFUQ!?
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You said it, Ryouta. You know, when one of the characters in a pigeon dating sim thinks you're nuts, you probably don't have much hope left.

The days fly by till we reach Tanabata, which according to wiki is a Japanese star festival during which people write their wishes on a piece of paper and hang them from bamboo trees. Pussy makes her way to the plaza to make her wish and since she's a nosey bint she looks to see if there are any wishes from peo-sorry-birdies she knows.
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… Either this is San, or in this alternative reality, strange future land this is the new way of writing? Well, anyway, I get my choice of wishes.
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… One of these is not like the others. San is a simple, some what violent soul so I opt for conquering the world by force.
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Atta girl, Pussy. The narcoleptic teacher quail pops up now and offers to walk me home since it's late, but I turn him down since I figure he'll probably pass out on me en route and then it'll just get awkward.

More time passes and HAAA! A swimming class! You just know swimming pigeons is going to be amaz-!
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Tight … clinging … damp … FEATHERS!? DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD8 I know the point of this game is that you're wooing birds but … I think I need an adult, my player character is creeping me out!

And while we're on the subject, I've discovered that hatoful boyfriend has it's very own kink meme (link NSFW) I made only the briefest of investigations before shrieking like a little girl and running for the brain bleach but if you're feeling brave/suicidal and fancy some real crack, pretty sure there's human/bird porn on there, as well as spoilers, so if you read any DON'T TELL ME.

Back to the game. San pops up and asks if humans can swim, to which Pussy replies 'Yep' and Pup replies by frowning at her screen (which she does a lot of while playing this) and naturally San challenges Pussy to a swimming race. Only … I don't think he's quite got this swimming thing down.
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Jesus bird? >,>

Skip-skippity to the day we get our finals back, time to see if going to those math classes paid off for Pussy.
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YE-!
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… Balls. Screw it, I'll just stick to gym and maybe I'll get a sports scholarship, I assume it worked for San.

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Wow, doesn't time fly? Being the good, helpful crackpot that she is, Pussy decides to go clean up the club room before the vacation. Of course San is there and Pussy remarks that he looks excited but not angry (for once) and it would seem this is because
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o.O
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O.o
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O.O Surely this is... not a healthy thing to be doing? He's obviously been given them for a reason and there's some kind of dosage control-
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Oh … fuck it.
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Re: Pup's Pigeon Paramours - Image Heavy Thread

Post by Starfish » Wed Apr 25, 2012 10:56 pm

Oh god, this is such good insanity...

Half-dead fried rice! Rage voltage! Fake pudding! :cracked

I also love San's subtitles, the single "Coo" followed by a wall of text translation. XD


Ps: How could I forget Jesus bird? That puts wonderful images in my mind.

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Re: Pup's Pigeon Paramours - Image Heavy Thread

Post by steyn » Sat Apr 28, 2012 7:07 am

So weird, but so goooood.

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Re: Pup's Pigeon Paramours - Image Heavy Thread

Post by fourpawsonthefloor » Mon Apr 30, 2012 3:59 am

It really boggles as to what the hell people are thinking when they make this stuff. Was enjoyable to read through to fill my crack quota today.

Just in case you didn't know, doves not only make that coo-coo-laroo sound that is melodious and peaceful, they also make this weird noise that when you hear it for the first time in a dark shelter comes across as really freaking creepy laughing. http://youtu.be/1J6m-LDMly0

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Re: Pup's Pigeon Paramours - Image Heavy Thread

Post by Slarti » Mon Apr 30, 2012 3:39 pm

I'm totally checking out that bird porn when I get home from work. :shifty For... research purposes.

Heck, I'll do it at work.

....I'll wait for the boss to leave and do it on his computer.

:eeevil

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Re: Pup's Pigeon Paramours - Image Heavy Thread

Post by puppygirl » Tue May 01, 2012 9:52 pm

After a brief break (read: Pup bought her own copy of Fable 3 and went achievement hunting) I've returned to Hatoful Boyfriend and it's the first day of the summer break, and to stay in practice Pussy decides to go for a jog. We jog past the usual landmarks, the shopping centre, the temple, the countryside, the-
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… post apocalyptic wasteland?

As we all know by now, Pussy is an idiot and got so carried away with all that running she's ended up somewhere unknown, she's lost! Not even her
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will save her now? Whatever will she doooo?

THEN SUDDENLY!
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This is a serious SUDDENLY, this sparrow pops up and this J-Rock/Classic music starts up and assaults my ears, compared to the rest of this game's soundtrack which is pretty soothing and sappy. Also, this is the fiftieth screen shot I've posted, you've looked at fifty pictures of a pigeon dating sim, not sure if that's a good thing or not.

Anyways, back to the game
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More suspicious squinting by Pup at her screen. The sparrow is driving a … scooter? I think I'm starting to become jaded in that doesn't weird me out. During the dialogue she says she likes the cut of my jib and offers me a ride home.
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I guess this is an argument for giant birdies, if a human girl can fit on one of their scooters? Sparrow chick informs me that her name is Azami and she makes a living selling takoyaki, which is a kinda dumpling/pancake thing.

So Pussy hops onto her scooter and away they go, and we discover that despite what the rock theme would have you believe, Azami is big on road safety.
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… I smell a plot here :shifty but in the here and now, Pussy has more pressing concerns
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ARGH!
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Okay, okay, jeeze!
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Azumi then gives me a lecture on the importance of following traffic laws, and I discover that riding tandem isn't illegal for birds, since they're lighter, so her giving me a lift back is totally okay, only …
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A few days pass and I'm prompted as to whether I want Pussy to get a summer job, I figure why the hell not and Pussy makes her way into town to see if there's anything available, and we find ourselves at some fancy cafe.
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Parakeet!
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DDDDDDD8 I know this is a bird dating sim, but when ever a reference is made to Pussy's bird loving ways I always pull this face.

Ugh.

Boss birdie is called Kenzaburou and he gives me the job based on my innate wonderfulness, besides, he could use a monkey to haul around the boxes of coffee and tea, which Pussy affirms since
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Pussy starts work the day after, and after a brief tour she has her first custo-
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… Nope, it's just Ryouta,and I'm prompted for another choice, keep my job or give it to my buddy Ryouta. After questioning chat I nobly give the job up for Ryouta
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Awww, she's such a good friend.
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Awww, just feel the warm fuzzies of the magic of pigeon-ship guys.
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Also, to be honest
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this guy weirds me out and I'm not sure why.

Le timeskip.

Summer festival time, and I have the option of inviting some pony along with me, this looks like a good opportunity to rekindle my affair with San. As usual, San is oblivious to my romantic overtures and is more concerned with his stomach.
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And of course the conversation rolls around too
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His bloody pudding, but luckily we don't have to listen to him go on about it since the firework display is about to start.
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… Uh-oh.
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No translation, this doesn't bode well.
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XDDDDDDD I think the sound effect in the video paws linked might be more effective here than the 'cooooooooo!' in this case.

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Re: Pup's Pigeon Paramours - Image Heavy Thread

Post by Scumfish » Tue May 01, 2012 10:34 pm

Feral aaaancestryyyyyyy!! Noooo! Saaaaan!!

...I haven't laughed so hard in weeks XD

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Re: Pup's Pigeon Paramours - Image Heavy Thread

Post by Slarti » Wed May 02, 2012 3:32 am

Wow, it really does just get better and better!

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Re: Pup's Pigeon Paramours - Image Heavy Thread

Post by Starfish » Wed May 02, 2012 9:33 am

Noooooo! You broke San! Not the feral ancestry! No car will be save from the giant pigeon now. XD

Also, "carve it into your soul" is a wonderful catchphrase.

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Re: Pup's Pigeon Paramours - Image Heavy Thread

Post by puppygirl » Wed May 02, 2012 10:47 am

First day back after the summer vacation and Pussy overslept, bad Pussy! So it's a mad rush to school and I'm greeted by Kazuaki. Pussy apologises for being late and then realises that she left her homework back in her cave. Great way to start the new semester, dingbat!

Or is it?
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Wooooooooah, this shit's getting meta now. Pussy's not late, she's a day early for the start of the new semester.

I'm then given a choice, I can either help Mr. Kazuaki grade the freshman's exams, go study in the library for the big test in September, or I can 'Return to my glorious abode'. Pussy decides, fuck that learning shit man!
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… Buwaaaaaahaaaa! Oh gawd, I love this game!
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XDDDDDD

Okay, now it really is the first day back, and naturally Kazuaki-sensai asks us if we all had fun on our vacation.
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… Especially when you're going on a sparkly-lights induced feral rampage?
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Ryouta is like, the most adorable character, which is bizarre considering he's a skanky city flying rat :shifty
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You know what's fun, Frenchie? Pigeon pie :eeevil
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Wait for it, wait for it-
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It's so nice to be back ^_^

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Best. School Motto. Ever.

That's pretty much the most interesting thing that happens on the first day, later on Pussy finds a student ID in the hallway and prods Kazuaki awake long enough to hand it in, and he remarks that this student in question has been absent since the middle of June. Odd, possible plot point? Only time will tell.

Couple of days later San and Pussy are hanging out by the track and San seems to be in a good mood without going on a destructive rampage, whatever could have caused his good humour?
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… Oh boy, you just know this is gonna be good. Tell us of this vision Okosan!
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No, Okosan, enlighten me!
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… A dove surfing a confection? Sounds tasty!Dinner and desert all at once.

I'm then prompted to complete the tale
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I ponder this for a bit, instinctively I want to go for the top one, 'cos it sounds daft, but San seems to be talking seriously for once, so I eventually go for the bottom one.
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… Which is still pretty silly, truth be told, but it IS the right answer!
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And consume his tasty, tasty pudding steed? I hope so.

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Re: Pup's Pigeon Paramours - Image Heavy Thread

Post by Starfish » Wed May 02, 2012 11:01 am

OMG, Kazuaki is Xavier! XD

And all hail the Pudding Lord! :worship

You have no idea how much Pussy's little speech cracks me up...

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